A Pain in the Neck
by TalyaJB
Summary: Megatron has put Starscream in charge of monitoring the consoles while the other Decepticons fight the Autobots. How will the Mighty Screamer get some payback for this insult? And how will this one event forever change life with the Decepticons?
1. Chapter 1

Bored.

Bored.

So bored.

Even more bored.

Starscream tapped out random rhythms on the Nemesis's console to alleviate the processor- aching boredom, but to no avail. Curse Megatron for assigning him to watch the monitors! He was the Mighty Warrior Starscream, mundane tasks such as this were an insult to his great abilities! One day he would avenge himself!

But for now he would make do with "surfing the web", and who cared if Megatron ordered him to not get online?

After several hours of random trawls through Wikepedia's botany data, Starscream came across something called "Vines." He searched for further data, and came across a single site. As the videos flickered across the screen, an idea struck the devious Seeker, and his lip components curved into a smirk.

"The others will be returning soon," he chuckled to himself.

Lazerbeak was recording the entrance as Starscream pressed himself up against the wall. He heard the door open, and the other Decepticons trudging in. Lazerbeak's eyes flashed twice. Perfect.

"SMACK CAM!"

Megatron was promptly hit in the faceplate with a can of oil, which drenched the unsuspecting leader.

"STARSCREAM!"

Megatron pummeled Starscream to the ground and thrashed his thoroughly. But that didn't stop the rest of the 'cons from laughing at Lazerbeak's recording of Megatron's humiliation hours later in the Rec.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been worth it.

Sure he hurt like slag afterwards, but the look on Megatron's faceplate as oil trailed in rivulets down the Decepticon leader's front made Starscream smirk with glee. That should teach Megatron to put _him_ on monitor duty! The beating he had received could not erase the humiliating experience from the minds of the troops. Perfect. So perfect.

Megatron was seething.

He beat Starscream within a mini-inch of that Pit-damned Seeker's life, but his pride was still wounded. He paced the floor of his personal quarters, not wanting anyone to disturb his thoughts. Their failed attempt to nab the plans for the Autobot's new solar station left Megatron in a boiling temper, and Starscream's little stunt with the oil can did nothing to curb the murderous rage in his spark.

He paced back and forth, again and again. Curse Prime! Curse Starscream! He would have his revenge on them both as soon as he came up with another brilliant strategy! They'd both pay!

If only he could come up with one! He was so furious he could barely think straight!

Megatron in his fury threw down the data pads he was supposed to read and howled in frustration. His violent rage finally spilled over, and with blind fury, punched a hole in the wall. Then, his servo connected with the Nemesis's wiring, and he received a painful electric shock for his trouble.

As he quickly withdrew his hand and cycled air onto his burning digits, an idea struck him. He didn't have an idea for his revenge on Prime, but Starscream…

Megatron's lip components split into a malicious grin, revealing sharp fangs.

The two Decepticon officers made their way to the Mess Hall in silence. Megatron had finally devised a plan to exact his revenge on Prime, and unfortunately needed Starscream's input on the practicality of its implementation. Not that Megatron bothered to listen; the meeting was more of a formality that gave the illusion that he used the Second's input. However, they still continued these meetings as if they were needed rather than giving them up.

By unspoken agreement *le gasp* the two had decided to go to the Mess to "discuss" the new plan over cubes of energon. When they entered, the hall was empty, except for Ravage who was lapping up energon out of a cube placed on the floor.

The two sat down at a table near the dispenser, and glared at one another for several astro-seconds.

"Well, Mighty Leader?"Starscream broke the silence.

Megatron narrowed his optics at Starscream's tone, and waited several more pointed seconds before starting.

"As I am sure you are aware, Starscream-."

Megatron was interrupted as Skywarp, Rumble, and Frenzy entered the Hall.

"Don't either of you even _think_ about getting your ration before me!"Skywarp snarled.

"Oh yeah?" Frenzy puffed up, "What makes you so special, Flyboy?"

"I, unlike you two morons, have been out on patrol for the past several joors."

"Big whoop!" Rumble snapped, "We've been spying on the Autobots, and we're both starved!"

Megatron frowned, of course the three blockheads of the base had to show up now. Starscream didn't look pleased about the interruption, either.

Skywarp reached the dispenser first, and grabbed an empty cube to fill. He reached for the handle of the dispenser. As he did so, Megatron felt his tank flip.

As Skywarp's servo connected with the dispenser, an electric charge arched through him, sending the teleporter flying back, letting out a high-pitched yelp as he did so. Megatron would have buried his faceplate in his servos, were in not for several of his lackeys in the room around him.

"Skywarp!"

Starscream lept to his pedes and ran to his Trinemate who was smoking slightly on the ground.

Rumble and Frenzy burst into raucous laughter at the sight.

"I hear the wedding bells now!" Frenzy snorted.

"I'll get you two metallic mini- meatballs for this!"Skywarp snarled, slowly rising to his pedes with the help of his Trineleader.

"Hey!" Rumble sounded offended, "We didn't do this!"

"You two better run for your lives," the black and violet seeker threatened, glaring at the two twins, "Because there's going to be _Pit_ to pay!"

The smirks on the twins' faceplates melted like metal in a smelter.

"What're you saying, stupid?" Rumble threatened.

"This means WAR!" Skywarp shouted, then turned on his thrusters and stormed out of the room.

Upon reflection, Megatron could have confessed. He could have deflated the situation by saying he was the one who electrified the dispenser in the hopes that Starscream would have touched it instead.

But that would have meant that he was wrong, and Megatron was _never_ wrong.

How wrong he was…

* * *

><p>This was <em>supposed<em> to be a one- shot. But then the plot bunny bit me. But, hey! I need a break from the monstrosity I've been enveloped in recently. (Hence few posts...)

This whole thing will be D-con-centric, duh... and I might throw in an OC or two here and there. Nothing big, but I do want to see how my OCs fare in the wider internet! (Scary... scary thoughts...)

This probably won't be updated too often. Though I will take prank ideas... Please and thank you ;D


	3. Chapter 3

The first grenade was funny.

The twelfth… not so much.

Rumble and Frenzy both had to admit the teleporter's hijinks were humorous, but only if you weren't on the receiving end.

The grenade that went off on the Soundwave's wash rack left the two twins in stitches. Soundwave had come out of the room looking filthier than when he went in!

The grenades that "mysteriously" dropped into their energon that morning left both Rumble and Frenzy in stitches, and Hook was becoming more and more irritated with each visit. His ministrations had gone from their usual roughness, to downright brutality! The two had scurried away with new weld marks on their plating, yet dents in their helms.

Soundwave wasn't taking the new prank _**war**_ well, either. All the cassettes could tell that he was becoming more and more paranoid. To those who didn't know Soundwave well, you wouldn't be able to tell much of a difference. But his minions knew all too well. He was jumpy and turned every corner and opened every door with a reluctant, fearful hesitancy.

"We're gonna make that Seeker pay!" Rumble snarled to his twin.

The two were alone in Soundwave's quarters, nursing their wounded prides and empty tanks.

"Oh?" the red twin tilted his helm, "And why would we do that?"

Rumble glowered at his twin with a look that oozed "Seriously?"

Frenzy shrugged.

"If you haven't noticed, the Boss is terrified. Its one thing to mess with us, but Sounders isn't involved. He isn't the type who likes surprises. "

"So, you're saying we have to get Skywarp back for Soundwave's sake? How're we gonna do that?"

Rumble grinned maliciously.

"Okay, here's my plan…"

* * *

><p>The two twins were peering around the corner of the hall that lead to the quarters of Skywarp and Thundercracker. They stayed crouched in the shadows, ready for their victim to come swaggering by.<p>

Heavy footfalls could be heard coming down the hall, and both twins stifled their malevolent snickers. This was going to be good!

A hulking figure of black and purple rounded the corner, and that's when the twins acted.

Glue, glitter, and pink paint covered the sorry excuse for a mech in a veritable explosion. The "girly grenade", as Rumble and Frenzy had named it, worked perfectly. They snapped several pictures, then bolted before the mech could clear off his optics.

Motormaster felt the sticky substance seep into his joints. Someone was going to die.

It was at that unfortunate moment that Skywarp and Swindle emerged from Skywarp's quarters after completing a (very one-sided) deal.

Motormaster grabbed the two by their neck cables and hoisted then into the air. The two unfortunate mechs would normally have been roaring with laughter at the sight of Motormaster's new paintjob, but the murderous leer of the semi-truck shut them up.

"You are both so dead,"Motormaster hissed dangerously, "But I'm feeling rather generous, so, I'm going to give you a thirty- astrosecond head start."

He dropped the two, and they ran as fast as they could away from the enraged Stunticon.

"One. Two . THIRTY!"

Motormaster charged after them.

* * *

><p>"Megatron, you are a genius!"<p>

The Decepticon leader silently congratulated himself as he completed his latest prank. There was no way Starscream wouldn't fall for this one!

Finishing the last weld line, Megatron stepped back to admire his handiwork.

He had taken a steel beam, and welded it to a far lower than sensible height. When Starscream came running from him to hide in his quarters, the Seeker would knock himself out on the beam.

Suddenly, he heard running footfalls coming down the hall.

Strange, it sounded like Starscream was running in fear already.

He tossed the welding torch aside, and hid in the shadows to watch the show.

To his surprise, Skyawarp, Swindle, and Motormaster (covered in pink paint and glitter?) came hurtling around the bend in the hall and collided with the steel beam.

The three Decepticons flew comically in a tangled mess of limbs on the floor, landing in a jumbled mess of unconsciousness.

Megatron decided that he saw nothing and slipped away silently.


	4. Chapter 4

"TC! We gotta get _married_!"

Thundercracker stared deadpan at his trinemate who had burst into his private quarters unannounced. Sighing, he put the data pad he had been reading back on his desk.

"What did you do now?" the blue Seeker groaned.

"Nothing!" Skywarp hopped onto Thundercracker's berth.

Thundercracker glared at the teleporter.

Skywarp's lopsided grin slowly fell, and was replaced by a guilty stare.

"I made a deal with Swindle."

Thundercracker continued to glare.

Under the harsh gaze of his trinemate, Skywarp began to fidget.

"I wanted some holos. You know, of femmes."

The blue Seeker still said nothing, but had a sinking feeling in his tanks.

"So I asked him to get me some, and he asked for our firstborn sparkling in return."

"Or what?" Thundercracker finally couldn't help but ask.

"Or I'd have to make twenty secret trips to Cybertron for his business endeavors."

"Looks like you're going to Cybertron then," Thundercracker growled.

Skywarp lept off the berth and threw his arms around Thundercracker's neck cables.

"Why TC? I thought we were in love!"

Thundercracker desperately tried to peel his trinemate off of himself, but to no avail. The teleporter was glued to him!

"TC PLEEEEEEAAAAAASE!"

Thundercracker sighed.

"Let's look at everything wrong with what you've done, Warp:

A. You made a deal with Swindle. That's stupid.

B. We're two mechs, we _can't make sparklings_. Duh.

C. You thought this was a good idea. You're an idiot.

Seriously, how hard did you hit that beam?"

Skywarp pouted.

"So, should I cancel the reception?"

Thundercracker facepalmed.

"But, TC! You don't understand! Everyone hates me here! They want my steel hide for their own personal trophies!"

"And what do you want me to do about that? Bonding with you wouldn't help. Go bug the Coneheads, or something!"

"Bug the Coneheads…" Skywarp mused.

"The CONEHEADS! Thanks TC! You're the best!" Skywarp squeezed his trinemate hard, then bolted out the door yelling "I love you!" as he did so.

Thundercracker muttered darkly under his breath as he turned to read the letter his bond-femme sent him.

* * *

><p>The Rec was full of mechs, as it was the midday break. All the Decepticons were now awake and taking an hour (or more depending on how much a mech thought he could push his luck with Soundwave) to relax before the second shift began. The room was loud and boisterous; full of activity, breaking energon cubes, and small fistfights or drinking games.<p>

Rumble and Frenzy were laughing at Ramjet, who was doing impressions of various Decepticons to the amusement of most other mechs in the room.

"Who am I now, now?" asked the Conehead, placing his servos by the side of his helm like horns, making his voice far higher than usual.

"Shrapnel! Shrapnel!" Bonecrusher hollered from across the room.

The mechs roared in renewed laughter.

"And I am the new leader of the Decepticons!"

Starscream's voice echoed across the room, silencing the gathered 'Cons as if they had frozen in place.

Turning to the door, the gathering saw Skywarp leaning casually in the doorway, grinning wildly.

"What are you all staring at?"Skywarp snapped in a flawless imitation of the Air Commander.

The Decepticons cheered, hollered, and laughed as Skywarp sauntered in to the room.

"Starscream!" Ramjet hollered in Megatron's voice, "You have failed me for the last time!"

"Spare me, oh Mighty Megatron!" Skywarp continued his imitation.

Rumble and Frenzy gave each other dark looks.

"Look at him," Rumble hissed to his twin, "We got him good, and yet he still swaggers around like he's king of the universe."

"At least we haven't been pranked," Frenzy whispered.

"Yeah, 'cuz he's been in Med Bay all day!" Rumble hissed back, "He could well prank us again now that he's out."

"Rumble, Frenzy: Report to personal quarters."

Soundwave's voice interrupted the two conspirators.

Frenzy acknowledged Soundwave's request by activating his internal comm in return.

"On our way, Soundwave."

The two twins slunk out of the Rec room, as Skywarp and Ramjet pantomimed Megatron and Starscream in a vicious tongue wrestling contest while the other Decepticons hollered dirty jokes at them.

They reached Soundwave's personal quarters without incident, and as the door slid open the two were greeted by the sight of their boss pointing at two chairs.

"Sit."

Wondering what had crawled up Soundwave's aft, the two silently obeyed.

Soundwave handed them a data pad.

"Explain."

The two cassettes watched the security feed from outside Skywarp's quarters. With rising horror, they watched as the girly grenade went off and doused Motormaster with its contents. They looked guiltily at their boss as Motormaster chased Skywarp and Swindle out of sight.

Soundwave folded his arms, waiting for them to speak.

The two Casseticons rounded on each other.

"You said Skywarp was coming!"

"Load of scrap! You were the one who launched the grenade!"

"Only after you told me to!"

"I never said anything!"

"Rumble, Frenzy: Desist."

The twins fell into an awkward silence.

"We wanted to get Skywarp back," Frenzy muttered.

"Actions: Poorly planned. Punishment: Apology to Motormaster. Also: Break Privileges revoked until further notice."

The two stared at their boss incredulously.

"But-!" Rumble began to argue.

Soundwave's visor darkened, quelling Rumble's objections.

The tape deck pointed silently to the door, and with sinking feelings the two twins knew they were dismissed.

After the door closed behind them, the two burst into nervous debate.

"What're we gonna do?" Frenzy panicked, "Motormaster will rip out our tape if we tell him we were the ones who pranked him. You saw how mad he was at Swindle and Skywarp."

"Calm down," Rumble rolled his optics (which is quite a sight to see when you have a visor),"We just won't tell him."

"And what will ol' Sounders think of that?"

"Scrap."

The two walked in silence, thinking of their respective eulogies.

"C'mon, Ramjet. It's a win- win situation here."

"I dunno."

The twins froze. Skywarp was pressing Ramjet against a wall in a dimly lit hallway off the beaten track. Skywarp was wearing a drunken, lopsided grin as Ramjet looked nervous and tried to avoid Skywarp's gaze.

The twins hid in the shadows so they wouldn't be spotted.

"Listen,"Skywarp continued, "You-."

"No, Skywarp! It's not a good idea to attack a gesalt team, even if it is the Stunticons!"

Rumble and Frenzy looked at one another. Attack? On the _Stunticons_?

"You want revenge for the 'jet judo' practices they've been doing with you guys, right?" Skywarp interrogated.

"Well—,"Ramjet faltered.

"And I want revenge on Motormaster for this dent in my helm." He pointed to the deep indentation above his optics, "So we can kill two 'bots with one shot!"

Ramjet paused, considering the offer.

"Fine. Thrust, Dirge, and I will help you, 'Warp."

"It's 'The Warp-Mech' to you!"

"Fine, Warp- Mech,"Ramjet sighed.

"Deal, I'll comm you later!" Skywarp hit the Conehead on the shoulder.

Rumble and Frenzy took one look at each other, and ran. Their salvation was at hand.

* * *

><p>"So," Motormaster glowered down at the two cassettes, "Skywarp and the Coneheads want to prank us, do they?"<p>

"Yup!" Rumble assented, "We don't know how or when, but we can help you create defenses, or even set up a preemptive strike!"

"Hmm," the leader of the Stunticons mused, "You're skills as spies are much more valuable. Tell us when and where they will strike. We'll take care of the rest."

The other Stunticons cheered in agreement.

"Cars Rule!" Drag Strip howled.

"We'll get those worthless jets!" Wildrider whooped.

"But what if they get us first?" Breakdown fussed.

"Who cares?" Dead End countered.

"Shut up!" Motormaster snarled.

The gesalt fell silent, and Motormaster turned to the tiny Decepticons in his shadow.

"GO!"

Rumble and Frenzy didn't need telling twice. They bolted from the room, glad that no one had mentioned the girly grenade.


	5. Chapter 5

Astrotrain's return from Cybertron caused a stir in the Nemesis. He had commed the Earthbound Decepticons with a cryptic message about "special cargo" over two joors ago. Not the most patient of groups, the Decepticons had stalked the halls and the Rec Room for rumors. Finally, just when the antsy Decepticons were about to burst, Astrotrain demanded landing clearance.

"Well, Astrotrain?"Megatron demanded as the shuttle rolled in on his wheels, "What's this Special Cargo?"

"Right here Lord Megatron," the Triple Changer said, releasing his cargo bay hatch.

"Aww, yeah! Feels good to stretch my joints!"

A yellow and navy femme with a sharp, red visor emerged from the depths of Astrotrain. She stretched her boxy arms luxuriously overhead then jumped down onto the floor rather than walking down the ramp.

"You said it, Trance," another femme's voice wafted out of the cargo hold.

"I personally like being transported around. Dragging your sorry afts around the galaxy is hard!"

"Aww, cry us a river won't ya?"

Three more femmes emerged from the hold. One was a smaller and delicate- looking femme in a shimmering red color with orange optics. The second was a massive black femme with deep red optics. The third, a hunter- green medium-sized femme with red optics, was scowling at the red femme.

"Did anyone ask for your opinion, fat aft?" the red femme snarled.

"I'm just sayin'—."

"Darkstar does more work than any of us! We demand a lot from her! It's only fair that she gets a break every so often!"

"Then where is she when we fight?"

Oh, Primus.

Femmes.

That one word rippled through the Decepticons gathered like a fire. There was no sight like femmes that could simultaneously excite and frighten the love- starved mechs. On the one servo, femmes were the best gateway to the golden land called overload. On the other, a femme could wreck a mech's life faster than she could say "I love you."

Astrotrain transformed, looking rather pleased with himself. It wasn't every day that he had four gorgeous femmes in his cargo hold all for himself. He relished every moment of it. Especially, he let his optics rove over her full figure, Darkstar.

The shuttle- femme was glowering over her two smaller companions who were still bickering.

"Don't you agree, Darkstar?"

"Dirt Devil," the big black femme growled to her little red cohort, "Don't drag me into this."

"But-!"

"Look, I can resolve this," Darkstar sighed, grabbing the two by their shoulders.

"Slaggin' peacemaker," the hunter femme growled.

Darkstar slammed the helms of the two other femmes together, causing them to both fall back in unconscious lumps.

The femme called Trance collapsed with mirth, pointing her finger cruelly at her fallen companions and rocking in a ball.

"Trance Blast…"Darkstar warned.

The navy femme popped up onto her feet, holing a microphone.

"Congratulations, Darkstar! You have just won the award for best way to shut Dirt Devil and Backfire up! How do ya feel?"

"Be quiet,"Darkstar snarled as she turned her attention to the dumbstruck Decepticons.

"And she wants a moment of silence in honor of her—DICK BUTTERFLIES!"

She had just noticed the mechs in the room.

"My _what_?" Darkstar looked incredulously at the smallest of the four as if she had just said she wanted to become an organic.

"Not your dick butterflies," Trance explained, "Mine. But if you have dick butterflies too then we can have a fifty way orgy!"

"That sounds painful,"Starscream winced.

"You sound painful!" Trance Blast countered, "No, literally, your screeching voicebox hurts. I'm Trance Blast, what's your name?"

"Uh-."

"Nice to meet you, Uh! Wanna frag?"

Darkstar covered the mouth of her companion, who kept up her muffled stream of absurdities anyway.

"Ignore her," The shuttle growled.

"I WILL HAVE _**ALL**_ YOUR SPARKLINGS!" Trance Blast screamed, breaking free of Darkstar's grip.

Darkstar sighed, then crushed the helm of the navy femme onto her knee joint. Trance fell onto her faceplate in a silent heap.

"What do you know," Darkstar mused, "that _is_ a good way to shut them up."

Megatron mentally sighed.

This was going to be interesting.

* * *

><p>Thanks a lot Trance Blast... now I have to change the rating on this thing...<p>

I want to thank everyone who has read my story so far! It means a great deal to me that you are interested in my random bits of stupidity and enjoying it! :D (I tear up every time I get a favorite or review I am so grateful!)

I know this chapter doesn't have much to do with the prank war, but don't worry, everyone has their part to play MWAHAHAHA! (Yes, I actually have some semblance of plot for this now!)

Why are the femmes here? What's going to happen with the Stunticons and the Coneheads? Will Megatron give up trying to prank Starscream? Find out next chapter!

Until then,

TalyaJB


	6. Chapter 6

"So, your leader wants an alliance?" Megatron asked the now conscious femmes.

They were sitting in the largest meeting room in the Nemesis, the four femmes, himself, Starscream, Soundwave, the gesalt leaders, and Shockwave (whose face was flickering on a screen).

"Only if she finds it worthwhile," Darkstar replied, "Our future report to Her Majesty will tell of her final decision."

Megatron ground his teeth at the title. The Deceptiqueen. Revolting. There was only one leader of the Decepticons, and that was him! To even think that there was some other Transformer trying to take his place was repugnant. If he ever got his hands on "Her Majesty" he'd show her and her femmes their rightful place! Damn the alliance!

"She's single!" Trance Blast piped up.

Backfire slapped her loudmouthed fellow femme.

"Hey, I'm only trying to get the Boss laid," Trance whined.

"Hold your tongue. The Queen must be respected!"

"Don't spoil her pure name, Trance Blast!"

"For shame on you!"

"And what makes her so special?" Scrapper snapped. Phrasing the question that was on every Decepticon's mind.

The Deceptifemmes looked aghast.

"Don't you know?" Dirt Devil sounded offended.

The 'Cons shook their heads.

"She is only the most beautiful-!" Darkstar began.

"The most clever-!" Backfire continued.

"The most wondrous femme to ever grace the galaxy with her mighty presence!" Dirt Devil concluded.

The Decepticons looked unconvinced.

"And if we said any different, she'd rip our arms off and shove 'em up our afts!"Trance Blast nodded sagely, "It hurts. A lot. Trust me."

The mechs' faces were mixtures of approval and disgust.

"Out," Megatron lazily dismissed the femmes breaking the awkward silence.

"Excuse me?" Darkstar looked offended.

"Out!" Megatron snarled.

The femmes didn't budge. Megatron's temper began to rise at their insolence. His features contorted into an enraged snarl.

"THUNDERCRACKER!"

The unfortunate Seeker jumped in fright.

"Yes, Lord Megatron?" Thundercracker asked, composing himself with surprising speed.

"Get these _femmes_ out of my sight. We'll summon them when we need them."

Megatron was boring holes into the nonchalant femmes with his scarlet optics as if to dare them to egg him on. Darkstar and the others leaned casually on the arms of their seats with detached indifference to the brewing storm that was Megatron's wrath. Finally, Darkstar tilted her head in an arrogant manner.

"No," the Shuttle-femme sneered, "Awww, The_ Pit_ no!"

"Uh- oh," Trance Blast mumbled.

"Glitch mode, activate," Dirt Devil grimaced.

Darkstar rose to her pedes and met Megatron's gaze full on.

"You are not goin'a treat me and my girls with such disrespect! We are strong, independent femmes and nothin' you can do can intimidate us Mister I- Got- Me- A- Huge- Aft- Cannon- On- My- Arm! I tolerate _these_ morons and their stupidity 'cuz they are _my_ girls and I outrank 'em! But YOU can just go get defunct, you slag- eatin' carrier-fragger!"

The Decepticons were silent. A pin could've dropped and the whole world could have heard it. Darkstar glared at Megatron from over the table. The latter stood in stunned silence for a solid minute.

Someone was going to die.

He lifted his fusion cannon at the vulgar, defiant femme. She gave him a cocky grin.

"Come at me, spike-helm."

"MORTAL COMBAT!"

The icy tension in the room shattered like panes of glass. All optics focused on Trance Blast, who was grinning widely.

Backfire slapped her over the helm.

"I wanted to watch that!" the green femme shrieked at her smaller companion.

"If you two are done measuring spikes, can we go now?" asked a totally bored Dirt Devil.

"Uh, 'Scuse me?" Darkstar turned her helm to stare incredulously at the silver femme, "did you just insinuate that I have a spike?"

Dirt Devil shrugged.

"Frag you!" Darkstar leapt on top if the smaller femme, and they both went toppling to the ground, biting, scratching, and punching each other.

Backfire and Trance Blast were the first to leap to their pedes, both whooping and hollering over their fighting compatriots. The Decepticons soon joined them yelling and egging the combatants on.

"Remember the time Darkstar told you that you were the dullest, most beaten- down hunk of junk in the galaxy?" Trance Blast beamed, reveling in how her words caused Dirt Devil to fight Darkstar harder, "Or that time Dirt Devil made you lose an arm and said it was an improvement?"

Darkstar and Dirt Devil were now shrieking and clawing at one another, determined to do as much damage to the other as possible. They rolled on the floor, fists flying everywhere.

A cannon fired and the room froze.

Megatron glowered at the make shift pit fight. The fusion cannon was pointed directly at the fighters ,who were staring at him in very compromising positions, smoking slightly from the heat of the blast.

"Take them to their quarters," he said in a deadly whisper.

Hurriedly, Thundercracker herded the femmes out the door, but before the door had fully closed, Darkstar turned her gaze on Megatron and mouthed, "I'm watching you." before the door slid closed.

The gathered 'Cons heaved ex-takes of relief.

"Well, Mighty Leader?" Starscream asked, sitting to Megatron's right, "Should we ally ourselves with such inconsiderate airheads?"

"Hold on, Commander Starscream," Scrapper interjected, "They aren't even sure if they want an alliance with _us_ yet."

"Their strategy does have practical reasoning," Onslaught stated, "They are testing whether or not we are worth the time and resources that an alliance would require, _before_ they commit to any official cooperation. The question is: Are they worth anything to us in return?"

"Extra firepower and cannon fodder," Motormaster sneered, "for a fraction of the energy consumption."

That was true. Femmes did consume less energy than mechs. Being generally smaller and lighter than their mech counterparts allowed femmes to do more for less.

"Shockwave," Megatron ordered.

"Yes, Lord Megatron?"

"Get me a cost- to- benefit analysis immediately. I want to know for certain if this potential alliance will be worth my while. And I want to give these femmes my decision by tomorrow's first shift."

"As you command, Megatron!"

Shockwave's face disappeared form the screen.

Megatron stood and began to pace. The Decepticons watched him apprehensively.

"I am not excited by the prospect of femmes working with us. They are cunning and fickle. Most likely, they will try to kill us as soon as they see no reason to keep us any longer. We must be on our guard_ if_ they stay. We cannot afford to pass up an opportunity to destroy the Autobots and drain this mudball of its resources. But if they are not loyal to my command-."

The Decepticons remained silent and watched as Megatron paced, thinking to himself. Not a single spark dared move, lest they ruin their leader's train of thought and get slagged for it.

Finally, Megatron sat back down.

"While those four femmes are here, we must be certain that they find us a worthwhile future ally. This opportunity is too critical for us to simply overlook. If we can gain their trust, we can perhaps add more numbers to our forces and resources. And if any more if these _incidents_ occur during the time they are here, I will personally force the perpetrator to intake his own optics!"

The mood around the table shifted palpably.

"So, Mighty Leader," Starscream's voice pulled the focus of the room to the Second in Command, "You are going to ally us with those boorish Deceptifemmes and their 'ever so wondrous' Queen?"

"Until we subjugate them," Megatron turned, letting one of his hands casually fall onto his lap, "Yes, I am considering a _temporary_ alliance, Starscream."

The mechs looked triumphant at the way Megatron said "temporary". Soon their numbers would swell, and they would defeat the Autobots for good!

While the Decepticons snickered and elbowed one another, celebrating the start of a brilliant plan, Megatron decided to act. The hand that had fallen into his lap pulled a small detonator out of his subspace, and he pressed the button. The small explosive under the seat to his left silently began to countdown.

5…

Wait, the seat to his left?

4…

That was the seat Starscream usually sat at, right?

3…

Right?! Starscream was sitting to his right!

2…

Then who-?!

1…

Soundwave let the inner emotions of the mechs idly wash over him. He was concerned about the potential danger the femmes posed, but he wasn't going to work himself up over it. He had better things to do, like check on those silly cassettes! Did Rumble and Frenzy ever apologize to Motormaster? He glanced guiltily at the Stunticon leader. That little trick really had been dumb of them, not to mention-.

Megatron's mind suddenly was consumed with terror and confusion.

What-?

The chair under Soundwave rocketed upwards, and Soundwave found himself lodged helm-first into the ceiling.

Below him, the watching mechs roared with mirth.

"_Scrapscrapscrapscrapscrap!"_

Soundwave pried deeper into Megatron's psyche. His leader's inner stream of obscenities left little doubt in Soundwave's mind who was the mastermind behind this little trick.

"_You're going to force yourself to eat your own optics, Megatron?"_ Soundwave thought.

"Who did that?" Megatron bellowed.

Okay then.

Enough is enough.

* * *

><p>The four femmes followed behind Thundercracker, arguing again. Thundercracker pretended not to listen, but couldn't help himself.<p>

"Why did you get in the way of Mega-hottie and Dark, Trancer?" Backfire asked, "I wanted to see-!"

"Did you just call Megatron hot?" Dirt Devil looked repulsed.

"Yeah," Backfire grinned, "At least he's a worthwhile mech to fawn over."

"Don't ever call him hot again!" Darkstar growled, "I do not need to hear your useless blathering about a mech who deserves to be sent to a trash compactor!"

"Yeah," Dirt Devil sneered, "Get yourself some _standards_, you Tarnian hillbilly! Oh wait. You probably don't know the meaning of the word."

"I know what it means!" Backfire snarled, "And I'm surprised you have the tanks to use it, Dirty, after you fragged all those Autobots!"

Darkstar and Trance Blast pantomimed purging their tanks.

"Don't _ever_ call me Dirty, you stinking-!"

"If you two start fighting, I swear I'll beat your helms in!" Darkstar snarled.

The hunter- green Cybertronian truck and silver Cybertronian sports car both fell into a fuming silence, throwing shady looks at one another.

"Hey," Thundercracker cut in before any of the femmes could speak, "Do any of you know of a Seeker femme called Lightning Dust?"

Darkstar narrowed her optics.

"Who wants to know?" the shuttle glared down at him.

"So you do know! How is she?" Thundercracker's voice shook with barely contained excitement.

"She's doing great!" Trance Blast piped up, ignoring the warning look from Darkstar, "She's our Air Commander!"

"I knew that," Thundercracker replied.

"How did you know that?" Darkstar murmured, "No Decepticon is supposed to -!"

"My bond- femme sent me a great deal of letters in the early cycles of the war. I haven't seen her since the _Malevolence_ left Cybertron, though."

"Wait!" Trance Blast bounced up to the larger Seeker, "You're Lightning's _mate_?"

Thundercracker nodded solemnly.

"I can arrange a meeting with her, if you want," Trance Blast whispered in a conspiratorial tone.

"Trance Blast!"

"What?" Trance Blast whined to her superior.

Darkstar glowered down at the boxy femme.

"No."

Thundercracker let his wings fall slightly to hide his disappointment. He had desperately hoped to speak with his mate ever since she left. Her absence left a great, gaping wound in his spark where she had once been. To hear that she was alive and well, but be cut off from him anyway left a bittersweet churning in his tanks.

"But-!" Trance Blast was about to argue.

"Don't do it, Trance! I _mean_ it!"

Trance Blast deflated under the stern gaze of Darkstar's carmine optics.

They traveled in silence for the remainder of their journey. After they turned what felt like the millionth corner, Thundercracker pointed to a door.

"This will be your shared quarters. The washracks are down the hall."

The femmes did not look too pleased with the prospect of rooming together, but they only muttered darkly under their breaths as the made their way into the chamber. They were now too exhausted to really put up a fight, but would make a fuss later. After all, none of them had properly recharged since the night shift before they left the _Malevolence_ for Cybertron several cycles ago.

"If you need anything, let me know," Thundercracker said politely, "I'll try to help you the best I can."

The femmes ignored him as the door slid closed, and Thundercracker was about to turn away when he caught Trance Blast's gaze. Her tapered, candy apple visor shone with pity, but before he could ask why she was looking at him that way, the door slid completely shut closing him and the rest of the crew off from the femmes.

* * *

><p>Seekers love to nap. Their highly attuned sensor arrays and fast processor capabilities for flight came at a price: a Seeker ran out of energy more rapidly than any other frame type. A Seeker that stayed up too long could potentially recharge for several cycles to make up for lost time. Sometimes the ability to be the greatest fliers on Cybertron hardly seemed worth the price of faster energy drain.<p>

Yet Seekers love to fly even more. Nothing could make a Seeker feel more happy and alive than flying at top speeds over the clouds. It is what every Seeker is built to do, and the one thing that they take pride in over anything else. To a Seeker, flight was life.

It hadn't gone unnoticed by many of the Decepticons that Skywarp and the Coneheads had been spending more time together lately, which was a little unusual. Seekers were a very tight- knit bunch, but tended to be very particular about the company they spent their time with. The Elite trine hardly ever bothered to spend time with the Coneheaded trine outside of battle, and yet Skywarp appeared to be spending more and more of his flight time with them rather than his own trine.

Motormaster knew why.

Oh, he knew what that teleporter was up to.

So, he decided to act.

Skywarp gave a lazy stretch on his berth, ready to power- down for a quick recharge. He had been out on patrol again, and wanted nothing more than to keel over and recharge for the next four million stellar cycles. Besides, how could he prank those two Casseticons if he was too tired to even stand?

He flipped over onto his canopy, and let his shut- down sequence commence.

Thrust, Dirge, and Ramjet were spread out in their shared trine quarters, all passed out on their berths. What better way to pass a boring day, than to recharge? They had reasoned.

Figures quietly hacked the keypads that lead to their chambers. Their shadows passed over the four Seekers, occasionally issuing muted chuckles and whispers. Without a word, the unknown mechs left as silently as they came in, leaving their victims completely unaware of what had just transpired.

Later, Skywarp and the Coneheads made their way to the landing platform, ready for a quick flight.

"So, I was thinking about our little agreement," Skywarp began.

"That's a shock," Thrust mumbled just loud enough for his trinemates to hear.

The other two stifled their laughter. Skywarp was an idiot, but he was still their superior and could beat the slag out of them if provoked.

"I think we should get all the materials ready over the next four cycles. That will give us time to properly set up the prank, and lull them into a false sense of security! Then, in an Earth week we strike!"

Skywarp looked rather proud of his plan.

"Whatever, can we just fly already?" Dirge moaned.

Excitedly, the Seekers took off at the sight of blue sky. They were ready to feel the wind on their wingtips, and shake off the claustrophobic chains that living underwater created. They leapt over the edge of the landing platform, and started to transform.

Skywarp instantly noticed that something was wrong. His wings were stuck and he was beginning to fall! Judging from the startled cries, the Coneheads were having the same problem! Skywarp tried to activate his thrusters, but they were jammed! With _glue and steel wool_!

The water rushed up to meet the falling Seekers, and all four of them hit the water with monstrous splashes.

Rumble and Frenzy had hacked into the Security feed so the Stunticons could carry out their prank in secret, then watch the aftermath in glorious high definition. The gesalt team was in tears, coolant leaking form their optics in rivulets they were laughing so hard.

"So_ that's_ why Seekers can't ever be brave in battle!" Drag Strip whooped, "They're robot _chickens_!"

The other Stunticons fell over with even greater humor.

Skywarp and the Coneheads reentered the base soaked and covered in marine life.

"Ugh," Ramjet moaned, "This'll take forever to wash off!"

Skywarp spat a stream of saltwater out, gaging slightly.

"Change of plans," the teleporter snarled, "We attack those stupid cars _tomorrow_!"

* * *

><p>Lightning Dust… sounds familiar doesn't it? Leave a comment if you know the show I got that name from, or if you have any prank ideas! (Hint: Hasbro owns this franchise too…)<p>

The scrap is starting to hit the fan now, people! The plot's a-rollin' and there's no stopping it! Now everybody has to be sneaky with the pranks! I also just realized how much Rumble and Frenzy are totally winning at this prank war! And how much Megatron fails! Haha! (I love you Megs, don't kill me…)

Hopefully this longer update made up for the longer wait! (My longest update ever!) Finals week is coming up, and all my essays are due… Professors! Why you make everything due the same week?!

I also hope this chapter has fleshed out my OC's a bit more in relation to one another. Darkstar is the usually composed Second-in- Command, but loses her temper at anyone who disrespects her team. Trance Blast is the trickster and is always out to make life a little more exciting no matter the cost. Dirt Devil could care less so long as it doesn't mess up her paint job, or get in the way of her getting a one night stand. Backfire is the bloodthirsty one who loves to see things go boom. Dirt Devil and Backfire can't stand each other because Backfire is the Cybertronian equivalent of white trash from Tarn while Dirt Devil was a rich socialite in Iacon; everything they do just gets under each other's plating.

Also, for the sake of clearing up confusion, I'm going to quickly explain my headcannon for mechs vs. femmes and the like, at least in relation to this story. Mechs and femmes have slightly different spark programmings that are complementary to one another. Mechs have spikes, femmes have ports. Interfacing causes spark energy to be released and melded together inside the femme, creating a sparkling. Such bonding can be prevented by spark barriers. Sparklings emerge as protoforms that grow their inner plating over time, eventually upgrades and the like can be added after the sparkling has fully matured. Sparklings can only be made between mech and femme, so (in this story) Soundwave is not the creator of the Casseticons, they were modified to integrate with Soundwave's system. With Vector Sigma, you bring a lifeless machine to it (just like the episodes _The Key to Vector Sigma_), and a fully adult Cybertronian will be produced.

How will Soundwave get his revenge in the prank war? Will Thundercracker be reunited with his bond-femme? Will Skywarp and the Coneheads retaliate now that Megatron has ordered the pranks to stop? How will the new femmes adjust to life with the Decepticons? Will the author shut up and write a smaller Author's Note? Find out next time on _A pain in the Neck_!

TalyaJB


	7. Chapter 7

"Green wire to red terminal…" Megatron muttered to himself as he worked on his next prank against Starscream. Theoretically, if he switched the wirings in the terminal, he could hack into the systems and mess with Starscream's solevent supply to the Seeker's personal washracks. He had already installed a hidden camera in the washracks, so that he could record the Seeker's humiliation.

"What'cha doin'?"

Megatron jumped. He had been so involved in his work that he hadn't noticed Trance Blast enter the command center and lean obnoxiously over his shoulder. His startled jump caused him to hit the femme under the chin, and she fell onto her aft with a soft thud.

"What are you doing in here? This area is restricted!" he snarled, annoyed that she had interrupted him.

"Relax, Big Guy," Trance stood, rubbing her sore backside and wincing slightly, "I just wanted to know what you're doing."

"Working," he growled, turning back to the dissected console, "Now get out!"

"Ooh!" Trance Blast's visor shone with excitement, "A _prank_! I love pranks! Looks like you want to get Screamywings, huh?"

Megatron reset his optics.

Screamywings?

"How did you know what I was planning?" he narrowed his optics suspiciously.

"A little birdie told me," Trance Blast grinned.

The femme slid next to him and adopted a false serious expression.

"Listen," she advised, "This has potential, but it's lacking pizzazz!"

"Pizzazz?"

"Pizzazz!"

Megatron decided not to respond further, and continued to work on the rewiring.

"Why not add musical accompaniment?" she suggested, "And a light show!"

Megatron ignored her, but the femme prattled on.

"You could broadcast it live! Or replace the solvent with pepper spray! Or mud! Or fire!"

She was becoming more and more excited now. The navy femme was bouncing around in circles with maniacal glee. Megatron ground his dentae and squeezed the screwdriver as if it was her tiny neck.

"SHUT UP!" He bellowed.

Trance Blast continued on, ignoring the danger like the femmes usually did. Obnoxious, defiant glitches!

"You could add paint or coloring instead! Or what about Gak?!"

Megatron shook with fury.

"You can beat her to scrap later. You can beat her to scrap later," he repeated under his breath,"Just think about what you can do to her when you take over the Deceptifemmes."

"Botswana is lovely this time of year!" Trance Blast blurted.

Megatron froze.

What?

"I'll need a bikini, though! Wanna get a nice tan!"

Huh?

"Safou! What a funny word! I could say it all day! Safou! Safou! Safou!"

Primus, will she ever STOP?!

"Safou! Safou! Safou! I'm going to sing the safou song!"

Oh please, no!

"SAAAAAAFOOOOOOOOU!"

Megatron dropped the screwdriver and bolted out of the room. He couldn't take this anymore! As soon as the door closed behind him, Trance Blast stopped her off-key warbling, and grinned. She moved over to the terminal and began to type away.

"Sucker," she chuckled.

* * *

><p>Thundercracker lay on his berth, staring at the ceiling. He just couldn't slip into recharge; his processor was whirling round and round. Thoughts cluttered his mind, and made him anxious.<p>

Was she okay?

Was she just as lonely as he was?

Did she even miss him?

His personal comm monitor beeped, alerting the Seeker to the incoming call. The jet-former stood, and crossed the room, accepted the transmission.

"Hell- Oh!"

A seeker femme with a white face, cherry red optics, salmon pink paint, and accents of electric yellow was smiling at him.

"Hello, Thundercracker!" she greeted.

"Lightning Dust!" he gasped, "But how?"

"Trance Blast works in mysterious ways," his femme chuckled.

The sound of a door opening could be heard, Lightning jerked fearfully to the source of the sound, then relaxed.

"Hi, Mom!" a woman's voice called.

Thundercracker's optics widened.

"Is that-?" he began, but was cut off as a midnight blue femme with cherry red optics and starkly contrasting electric yellow streaks appeared onscreen and wrapped her arms around his femme.

"What are you doing?" the younger femme asked her carrier.

"Talking to your Sire."

The dark femme's dark gray face turned to the screen with a stunned expression plastered on her delicate features. Spotting Thundercracker on the screen, she grinned.

"Dad!"

"Stormchaser," Thundercracker sighed.

The Decepticon was suddenly overwhelmed at the sight of his fully- grown daughter and bondmate. His optics filled with coolant, and his frame began to tremble. He covered his lip components with his servo.

"Dad?" Stormchaser asked, alarmed.

"You- You're beautiful," Thundercracker choked out, his voice filled with emotion.

The young femme's cheekplates glowed, and she looked shyly at her pedes clutching her arms in embarrassment and false modesty. She attempted to look passive, but her smirk gave her true feelings away.

Lightning Dust's brushed tears of coolant off her cheekplates and rubbed her daughter's back.

Thundercracker shook his helm.

"I'm sorry," he said, voice still constricted with emotion, "It's just—the last time I saw you, you could barely walk. And now you—you-."

Thundercracker's voice broke, and he buried his faceplate in his servos, tears flowing freely now.

"Dad," she tried to console her sire.

It took Thundercracker a few breems to compose himself again and meet their gazes.

"Sorry, Stormy," Thundercracker smiled weakly, "I guess your old rust bucket sire just can't handle the idea that his pretty little femling now needs to be protected from mechs!"

"Thunder!" Lightning admonished.

"What? She's fully grown now! I need to protect my daughter from any mech who wants to chase her!"

"She's a grown femme, Thundercracker," his bondfemme sighed, "She can take care of herself."

"But not from the likes of Skywarp or Starscream!" he retorted, "I'm going to keep my trinemates, and the Coneheads, and the Triple- Changers, and the Autobots, and Soundwave, and Megatron, and any other mech who wants to lay optics on her away from her! She's gorgeous and every mech's going to want her!"

Lightning sighed while Stormchaser laughed.

"Dad, relax. I already have Mom looking out for me."

"Not enough," he growled.

"Excuse me?" Lightning Dust looked offended.

Stormchaser laughed.

"I'll leave you two be," she moved offscreen, still chuckling to herself.

Another door opened, and then closed.

Both bondmates sat in silence, staring at each other, for several astroseconds. Finally, the mech broke the silence.

"How are you, love?"

"Tired and lonely," the femme sighed, "I want to see you again. Really see you."

"How much longer are you able to talk?"

She shrugged.

"Trance Blast can't keep this transmission secret forever. I'm guessing only a few more breems. I'll be punished if I'm caught." She sighed.

"Your Queen doesn't want contact?"

"No, she does. But only on her terms. She's not exactly confident in mechs. Doesn't trust them. Especially Megatron."

"Wonder why that is?" Thundercracker mused.

"You know why!" his femme snapped, "The Purge killed so many of us! Exiled us! We were hunted worse than Autobots, and exterminated in droves! And who ordered that Purge? Megatron! None of us here like him, except for a one or two really slagged- up glitches!"

She sounded so bitter and angry. It was startling to see such a contrast in his lively and optimistic femme. He had always been the bitter pessimist, not her.

"The war has made us all bitter," he sighed.

His femme nodded.

"In some cases, insane," she added, "Take Darkstar, for instance. She used to own a small parts shop on the outskirts of Vos with her bondmech and four sparklings. She says that before she would never hurt a drone, lose her temper, or even argue with customers. Then one day, Autobots came into her store and demanded that she and her husband hand over all their wares. They were charged with 'aiding the Decepticon war criminals stationed in Vos.' Her husband refused, and they killed him in front of her and her sparklings. She apparently didn't protest when they slapped her in stasis cuffs and were dragging her outside when Decepticon fliers blew up the store with her sparks and most of the Autobots still inside."

Thundercracker nodded. Though depressing, Darkstar's story wasn't too uncommon. Many innocent lives had been snuffed out in the early cycles of the war.

"Long story short, she escaped and joined us. But she's never been the same since. Something that cycle just snapped. One moment she's pleasant, caring, and helpful; the next she's tearing a mech apart and hurling curses that would make a Tarnian miner want to wash his audios out."

"I had a firsthand seat to that," he muttered.

"Who torqued her off?"

"Megatron," he answered.

Lightning Dust laughed.

"Oh, _Primus_, that must have been a cold day in the Pits when she got done!"

"Yup! She called him a 'slag- eatin' carrier-fragger' and told him to get defunct!"

Lightning Dust burst into another bout of raucous laughter.

"And she's still in one piece?" she asked, still laughing.

"Yes, she's functional."

"Primus, that is great! Too bad I wasn't there to see it!"

The two mates laughed, more enjoying talking to one another than the subject material. Thundercracker smiled warmly at his mate, who returned his warmth with a gentle smile of her own.

"I don't want to stop talking to you," he said finally, his smile falling.

Her face fell as well.

"Nor do I," she admitted.

"You always make my cycle better, you know that?"

"You do too," she smiled sadly.

"We need to meet in person," he continued, "I want to strengthen our bond. It's been weakened after all this time. I can barely feel you."

"I'll find a way to sneak off the _Malevolence_," she nodded, "Time and place to be determined. Tell Trance Blast thank you for what she's done for us. She risked quite a bit for us to talk."

"I will," he agreed, "Tell Stormy that I'll see her soon. I love you, Lightning."

"I will, and I love you too, Thunder."

The connection was terminated, leaving Thundercracker staring at his own reflection in the dark screen.

* * *

><p>Megatron was creeping back to the command center. That damned femme surely was gone by now. He didn't think his circuits could take any more of these femmes. And they've only been here a joor!<p>

"YOU FRAGGING DID _WHAT_?!"

Megatron heard Darkstar scream, and the door to the femmes' room was kicked out of its housing and collided with his frame, pinning him to the floor. The three small femmes ran over him, pushing the heavy door harder onto his frame. He grunted in pain as they passed over him. Then Darkstar barreled after them, crunching both door and leader under her pedes.

Megatron groaned, and his exposed servo twitched.

"Oh," he moaned, "Frag me with my own fist!"

He was beginning to regret letting the femmes stay in his base.

* * *

><p>Author's note:<p>

I haven't forgotten this story! Far from it! This past month and a half has just been crazy though, so writing and updating has been harder than usual. Thank you all for being patient with me! Please fav and review, because every time I get a favorite or a review it helps me beat the dreaded writer's block! I also want to know if you like where this story is going, and anything you would like to see happen.

**To those who have favorited, followed, and/or reviewed:**

**THANK YOU SO MUCH! I can't tell you how excited and grateful I am that you enjoy my story, especially since this story was so random and out of the blue! I apologize that I have not had time to message you individually, but I promise that I will do so from now on! I sincerely want each and every one of you to be satisfied with my writing and be a driving force in its completion! THANK YOU AGAIN! Your support means everything to me!**

I just read through this story from start to finish for the first time in three months. I noticed one detail that I will correct after this story is completely finished! Dirt Devil is silver. It originally states that she's red, but that was my mistake. Another one of my OCs is a red sports car, not Dirt Devil.

Also, I have decided that this story will have a sequel and a spin off! I won't tell you what the sequel will be about, but the spin off is going to be Skywarp's 20 Secret Missions for Swindle! (Thanks plot bunny, you've spawned two children, I hope you're happy.)

And for those of you who might think Megatron's a bit OOC in this chapter, you're wrong. He knows that he can't tear Trance Blast a new one yet, because if he does, the femmes might retaliate or leave. The femmes are a valuable asset that he doesn't want to lose yet. Not OOC, just biding his time for his plan to come together.

Will Megatron's prank be successful for once? How are Skywarp and the Coneheads going to get the Stunticons back? What are Rumble and Frenzy up to? Find out next time on A Pain in the Neck!

TalyaJB


	8. Chapter 8

Megatron giggled like an excited femling. He couldn't help it, this was all too perfect. His prank was coming along splendidly!

A few hours previously:

Megatron smashed the _Victory'_s communication console's green on button, and barked into the microphone, amplifying his voice a thousand fold over the speakers of the sunken spacecraft.

"STARSCREAM! REPORT TO ME IMMEDIATELY!"

Starscream didn't acknowledge his orders.

"STARSCREAM!" he bellowed again.

Finally, Starscream's face appeared on the main console, looking thoroughly bored.

"You called,_ sir_?" he asked, emphasizing the title with a slur.

Megatron decided to ignore his insubordination (something he had been doing a lot of recently, but that would soon change…), and folded his arms over his broad housing.

"I have a special assignment for you, so listen closely. I have received information that the Autobots are building a launch site for their new solar station in the Sundarbands wetlands. Go there, find the site, and report back to me."

Starscream scoffed.

"A scouting mission, Mighty Megatron? I am your greatest warrior, surely you can send Laserbeak or one of Soundwave other cassettes for such_ trivial_ work."

"Soundwave's cassettes are indisposed, keeping tabs on that solar station that _you_, oh mighty warrior, failed to destroy!"

Starscream's wings flared up indiganantly.

"How dare you! After all I have-!"

"GO! And do not question my orders again!" Megatron bellowed before the Seeker could finish his rant.

Starscream's faceplate split into a snarky smirk.

"As you command, Mighty _Leader_," he taunted before cutting the connection.

Back in the present, Starscream returned to the _Victory_, seething. Megatron could hear him stomping through the halls and muttering darkly from the moment the Seeker landed in the platform.

The doors to the Command Center flew open, and Starscream stomped inside, looking murderous. He was covered in muck, slime, plant debris, and other unquantifiable amounts of filth. The only things that were clean on his frame were his optics, which were burning like hot coals through the thick coating of grime.

Megatron stifled his smirk, then turned to face his Air Commander.

"Well?" he prompted.

Starscream shook with rage for several seconds before responding.

"Nothing," the jet snarled, "Absolutely nothing!"

"EWW!" Dirt Devil shrieked as she passed by the open doorway, spotting Starscream.

She bolted down the hall as fast as she could.

"Don't get any of that organic filth on me!" her voice echoed down the hall.

The other Decepticons laughed as Starscream began to tremble violently with pent- up rage.

Megatron smirked.

"Nothing there, Starscream? Are you certain?"

"Absolutely," he replied through gritted dentae.

"Are you certain it wasn't because you were obviously grounded?" Megatron sneered, "Did the Autobots manage to shoot down the _ever- so –mighty_ Starscream?"

The Decepticon leader's voice dripped with sarcasm.

"NO!" Starscream shrieked, "I had to go by pede because I couldn't detect anything with my scanners from overhead! I wasn't shot down! There weren't any stupid, filthy Autobots around!"

"The only thing stupid and filthy here is you, Starscream! I'm becoming quite enraged that you found nothing, even after you said that this would be a simple task for you! Your incompetence never ceases!"

Starscream looked ready to fire is null rays.

With a disdainful sneer, Megatron turned the Command Chair away from the Seeker.

"Go clean up, Starscream," Megatron ordered, "But don't you dare mess up the rest of my base with that grime!"

Starscream stomped out of the Command Center, not caring that he was tracking the muck all over.

"The rest of you!" Megatron barked, "Get out there and find the Autobots' launch site! And don't you dare return without any information!"

He charged up the fusion cannon, and the Decepticons careened out of the base as fast as they could.

Now alone, Megatron turned to the Comm. Screen with a huge grin. This time his prank would not fail!

He turned on the cameras that he had placed in Starscream's washracks, and watched as the dirty Seeker stomped into them, growling under his breath.

"Slagging aft- helm," he heard the Seeker growl, "it's _his_ fault that he had faulty information and that he had me go on some wild goose chase. When I'm leader I won't ever do something so stupid!"

"Oh, keep talking, Starscream," Megatron chuckled to himself, "You're just making this all the more fun!"

Starscream turned on the stream of solvent with the push of a button.

Megatron laughed as the pipes filled with a thick sludge of dark green oozed its way slowly through the pipes.

Starscream frowned as nothing came out for a moment.

Megatron laughed hard as the slime built up pressure as it moved.

Suddenly, in a pressurized jet, superheated kale smoothie blasted out of the fire extinguishers on the ceiling, dousing Megatron.

Soundwave chuckled to himself as he watched his leader shriek and flail under the hot, pressurized jets from a little comm. screen in his hand, unable to stop the flow because they were controlled by Starscream's washracks.

Solvent sprayed gently out of Starscream's washracks as he cleaned himself, unaware that his leader now needed to do the same.

Payback.


	9. Chapter 9

"Hello stupid flesh creatures," Starscream grinned into the camera, "Funny story. Today Bucket- helm decided to send me on a mission to find some Autobot scrap. In Sunderbar. Know what that's like? HELL!"

Starscream screeched the last word, making the camera shake.

"So anyway, turns out nothing was there. I couldn't find a thing. I even had to walk on foot _through the entire wetlands _to check! Nada! I come back covered in mud, and I don't even know what!"

He was becoming more flustered by the astro-second.

"So you wanna know what Megatron had to say?" Starscream snarled, "He told me that I was a failure for not finding anything with his faulty intel! And then he was like 'bitch, go take a shower', and I was like 'bitch, I don't need you to tell me to take a shower!' So, I went to take my shower."

Starscream paused, and then grinned.

"First thing I did after I got out was to go to the Rec to get some energon, then I wanted to vent to my inferior Trinemates. But I got there, and everyone was laughing at this video. Turns out, Megatron was trying to prank me in the shower, but the idiot can't even do that right! He got sprayed with his own kale smoothie! Should've know that fragger was on a kale cleanse. Fatass."

Starscream grinned triumphantly.

"Once again, I've proved that I am the better choice to lead the Decepticons! I can prank a bitch!"

Starscream relaxed onto his berth.

"I have a feeling that Soundwave was in on it, somehow. This just seems like the kind of underhanded prank he would pull. Whether to prank me or Megatron, I don't know. But I just might have to talk to that sycophant. He could be a useful ally," Starscream smirked, "Because I'm declaring an all-out prank war against Megatron, and damn the consequences!"

* * *

><p>"Prime!" Ironhide called, "Starscream just uploaded another vlog!"<p>

"You think Megatron has found out about his Youtube channel yet?" Mirage asked Prime from across the table in the Ark's Rec room.

"Doubt it," Prime snorted, swirling his cube of energon.

"Let's hope Screamer keeps postin," Blaster relaxed onto the Cybertronian- sized couch, "So that I can keep coastin!"

"As the humans say, Blaster," Jazz said, stretching out next to the Communications Officer, "Preach."

* * *

><p>"Psst!"<p>

Onslaught froze at the sound, and looked around. Seeing no one, he shrugged and continued on.

"Psst!"

Onslaught whirled around again to find a purple finger beckoning to him from around the corner. The Combaticon shook his helm.

"Go away, Skywarp. I have no time for you today."

The Seeker poked his head out.

"Aww," he pouted, "C'mon, Onslaught. This is important!"

"Not important enough for you to come to me directly, however," Onslaught growled in reply.

He turned and continued on his way down the hall, but was stopped when Skywarp teleported directly in front of him.

"It's a simple favor!"

"Go away, Seeker!"

Onslaught punched Skywarp in the faceplates. The purple jet toppled to the ground and Onslaught continued on his way, careful to step on the Seeker's fragile cockpit as he passed.

"Asshole!" Skywarp shrieked as the glass shattered underpede.

Several hours later, Onslaught was sitting in the Rec, staring at plans for the next raid. Bruticus would play an integral role in the operation, so Onslaught was careful to commit every detail of the plan to his hard drive to avoid any mistakes from his team. The others could screw up all they wished, but Onslaught would never allow his team anything less than perfection! He was programmed to obey Megatron, and he did so with great fervor. Perhaps one day soon, Megatron would see that, and he, Onslaught, would be the new Second- in – Command. Primus knew that Starscream was useless enough. All Megatron needed now was a suitable replacement. And he was more than willing to be that replacement.

Onslaught was broken out of his pleasant daydream when the Coneheads burst into the Rec, making an awful ruckus.

"And then I took her to my berth and fragged the slag out of her!" Ramjet boasted, puffing out his chassis, "She said I was one of the best she's ever had!"

"Whatever," Dirge grimaced, "Dirt Devil's already fragged nearly half of the crew. You're nothing special, Ramjet."

"Yeah," Thrust concurred, "And if you were so great, why hasn't she fragged you a second time?"

Ramjet's face fell to a scowl.

The other two pointed and roared at their Trinemate.

"Would you three keep it down?" Onslaught snarled.

"Jealous, Onslought?" Thrust grinned, sauntering over and leaning over the Combaticon leader, "That even Ramjet can bag tailpipe and you can't?"

"Hey!" Ramjet interjected.

"Hmph," Onslaught grunted, "As if I'd waste my time on that cheap pleasure- drone. Primus only knows what plethora of viruses she contains."

"Which would be a good point if that so called 'cheap pleasure- drone' even bothered to look at you! You're so ugly that you sacred even her off! And that glitch has supposedly fragged Autobots!" Ramjet sneered.

"So you interfaced with a femme who's interfaced with the enemy? That sounds dangerously close to treason."

"Well at least I didn't punch an Elite Trine member in the face, then crush his cockpit," Ramjet hissed.

"Now that sounds like treason to me," Dirge almost cracked a smile.

Onslaught froze.

"Yeah, Sky's keeping himself locked in his quarters for now," Ramjet continued conversationally, "Primus only knows what Starscream will do to the mech who damaged one of his Trine when he finds out."

The Combaticon gripped the datapad in his servo hard.

"Fortunately for you, Onslaught," Thrust put his hand on Onslaught's shoulder, "We're in a position to help you out of your little predicament."

"Get off of me," he retorted, shoving Thrust away.

"Or we could leave you to the mercies of Starscream," Dirge shrugged.

"That's blackmail!" Onslaught spat.

"Yeah," Skywarp smirked, melting out of the shadows behind Onslaught, "We decided to take a page out of your friend Swindle's book," He sat across from the Combaticon, trying not to move the shattered glass of his cockpit as he did so, "So what's it gonna be?"

Onslaught crushed the datapad.


	10. Chapter 10

"I hate that jet!"

Onslaught slammed his energon cube onto the table with ringing force, sending cracks up along its sides. The other Combaticons flinched.

"Well then, let's forget about this stupid prank and rip Skywarp's wings off!" Brawl snarled.

"Ooh! I call kicking his helm off his shoulder struts!" Vortex cackled.

"So then Starscream can blast us to pieces," Swindle commented, "No thanks. Besides, I need Skywarp for the time being. He and I have an," the con-mech paused, "_agreement_ of sorts."

"We couldn't care less about your business endeavors, Swindle," Blast Off snorted, "You're a Combaticon first, entrepreneur second!"

Onslaught ex- vented with a pneumatic hiss.

"Let's just get this over with," the missile truck stood and walked over to the Stunticons who were sitting on the opposite side of the Rec, muttering to himself as he crossed the room, "slagging waste of time. Can't believe I agreed to this. Fragging Skywarp roping me into this mess."

The other Combaticons flanked Onslaught as they approached the Stunticon table. The rowdy cars began to notice the Combaticons and slowly fell into an icy glaring contest with the opposing gesalt team. The Combaticons stopped several mini-inches away from the table, glaring down at the Stunticons.

Motormaster stood, leaning threateningly over the table.

"What do you want?" the cargo truck snarled.

"We come with a message from Skywarp," Onslaught responded, crossing his arms over his broad chassis.

"If that trans-fluid sucking Seeker thinks that he can send you five freaks to scare us, then he's got another thing coming to him," Motormaster hissed through gritted dentae.

The room became deadly cold and silent as both gesalts bristled, ready to attack.

Yelling and screeching could be heard coming from down the hall. The Rec opened and both Starscream and Soundwave barged into the room, heading straight for the energon dispensers.

"You lying glitch!" Starscream screeched as Soundwave filled a cube, "I know it was you! And stop denying it!"

Soundwave turned back to the Air Commander.

"Eat a spike, Starscream," the Communications Officer intoned, then brushed past the stunned Seeker and out the door.

Starscream quickly recovered.

"You insubordinate, cassette- coddling, glitch- faced, CARRIER FRAGGER!"

He took off after Soundwave, leaving the gesalts to their standoff.

The room was still palpably cold as they glared.

Minutes stretched thin as they tensed, ready to attack.

Onslaught gave off an amused snort.

"What's so funny?" Motormaster howled, his team jumping to their pedes.

"Don't you want to at least hear what Skywarp has to say?" Onslaught asked innocently, "After all, it could be important."

"Yeah," Motormaster sneered dryly, "So important that he sent the reject gesalt instead of the deformed Seekers."

The Combaticons bristled.

"Watch what you say about us," Onslaught warned, "it will come back to haunt you."

"Is that a threat?"

"Merely a word of caution," Onslaught airily waved his hand.

The signal beeped in Onslaught's internal comm. His mission was complete. Without another word, he turned and walked away from the Stunticons.

"Hey!" Wildrider called to them, "Come back here and fight like mechs, you cowards!"

The Combaticons halted a few steps away from the door.

"Don't frag with us, reject Autobots," Blast Off growled dangerously.

They left without another glance back at the thunderous faceplates of the Stunticons.

The Stunticons fell back into their chairs.

"I hate those guys," Dragstrip huffed.

"Tell us something we don't know," Dead End deadpanned.

"What were they going to tell us?" Breakdown asked, shivering.

"Who knows," Motormaster rolled his optics and lifted his cube to drink, "But I can tell you that I'm getting pretty sick of Skywarp."

"Amen to that!"

The other Stunticons copied Motormaster and lifted their drinks in a casual toast. They tipped their helms back, lifting the energon to their waiting intakes.

At that precise moment, Rumble and Frenzy ran into the Rec and straight to their allies with fearful expressions on their faces.

"WAIT!" the two cassettes bellowed to the hungry gesalt.

The Stunticons threw back their cubes of energon is two gulps and then slammed their cubes back onto the table with bemused expressions. This energon tasted funny. Had it gone bad?

Breakdown screamed first.

Within seconds, the entire gesalt was shrieking and leaping around, gasping for cold air as their systems burned as if molten metal had been poured into their tanks.

"AHHHH! WHAT IS THIS?!" Motormaster screamed.

"WE'VE BEEN _POISIONED_!" Breakdown yelped.

"Need—Energon!" Wildrider gasped, and nabbed an empty cube by the dispenser.

It filled with a satisfying hiss, and the Ferrari gratefully gulped it down.

His teammates, seeing his faceplate of relief, did the same.

Within moments, they renewed their howling, the pitches rising to an earsplitting squeal.

"IT BURNS!"

"PRIMUS MAKE IT STOP!"

"SO HOT!"

"I CAN'T FEEL MY GLOSSA!"

"WE'RE GOING TO DIE!"

Finally, they collapsed from the pain.

Frenzy turned to Rumble.

"You can take them to Med- Bay."

Onslaught and his Combaticons couldn't help laughing as Skywarp and the Coneheads showed tem the results of their prank on a handheld monitor, broadcasting live thanks to some hidden cameras that the Coneheads had planted in the Rec.

The Stunticons fainted, much to the group's amusement.

After they recovered, Onslaught turned to the teleporter.

"I must admit, Skywarp," the Combaticon leader complemented, "Your strategy to use us as a diversion while you planted the special sauce was unexpectedly brilliant!"

Skywarp puffed out his chassis proudly.

"Of course it was brilliant!" Skywarp said with his best Starscream Smirk™*, "That's why I am the Mighty Skywarp!"

The room fell silent as they stared at the purple Seeker.

"What?" he asked.

"You need to stop hanging out with Starscream, mech," Thrust said.

"If I didn't hang out with him, I couldn't get clearance to go out and find the ingredients for the special sauce!" Skywarp defended himself.

"What's in that stuff, anyway?" asked Brawl.

"Oh, 700 Carolina Reapers, 200 cups of wasabi, 400 Ghost Peppers, I forgot how many Scorpion Peppers, some chili oil, curry powder, and a sprig of mint!" he listed happily.

"Why the mint?" asked Dirge.

"So they smell fresh!" Skywarp grinned.

"Considerate," Blast Off growled moodily.

Skywarp's faceplates nearly split in two from the size of his grin.

XXXXXXXXX

Hook knew it was going to be a long day when Rumble and Frenzy miraculously managed to drag Motormaster into the Med- Bay.

"I have a feeling I'm going to need a lot of high- grade after I hear this," the Medic growled.

*Skywarp is not The Mighty Starscream LLC. The use of copyrighted material by Skywarp is unintentional and is used for non- profit imitation and entertainment only. Skywarp claims fair use.


	11. Chapter 11

"Soundwave."

The navy telepath halted, suppressing a sigh at the screechy command barked from behind his back struts. Though it was not directly stated, the tone of the voice demanded that the telepath drop everything and heed it. Steeling himself, Soundwave turned.

Starscream strutted down the hall, sauntering haughtily towards the Third-in- Command.

For what felt like the trillionth time, Soundwave was glad that he had a facemask. If the arrogant Seeker could have seen the expression of utter loathing and exasperation written all over Soundwave's features, he would have slagged the unfortunate Communications Officer for sure.

"Yes, Starscream?"

"I order you to stop and speak to me!"

Soundwave inwardly squirmed. The Air Commander had been plaguing him with accusations for the past several days regarding Megatron's '_accident'_. Unfortunately, many of these accusations were true, and Starscream knew it. The Seeker was trying to pry a confession out of Soundwave, whether for blackmail or some other purpose, the navy mech could not be certain. Thankfully, Soundwave had been able to deflect these interrogations, but with mounting frustration. So what if he pranked Megatron? It was much needed revenge for that stupid bomb- chair!

"Soundwave: late," he replied, trying to seem casual.

"You? Late?" Starscream scoffed, drawing nearer, "Hardly."

Dammit.

"Presence in Command Center: Urgent. Megatron's orders," Soundwave insisted.

"Yes, because Megatron is completely capable of ordering you around during the middle of his recharge cycle."

Soundwave mentally slapped himself. How could he forget that?

Chalking his slip- up to frazzled nerves, Soundwave grudgingly admitted he was caught. He relaxed his posture and looked Starscream full in the optics.

Starscream sensed victory, and smirked in haughty celebration.

"Well, now that you're actually following orders," the Second in Command sniffed, "it's time we had a little chat as civilized mechs."

Sure, like that backstabbing piece of slag even knew what the word 'civilized' meant.

Soundwave pushed down the spiteful thought, and nodded.

Soundwave watched as Starscream's smile split even wider, while his tanks boiled with anger and humiliation.

Starscream moved past Soundwave, wordlessly leading the tape deck down several halls until they drew up to an isolated hall away from the more crowded part of the base.

Starscream's personal quarters.

With a flourish, Starscream opened the door and ushered his unwilling companion inside.

XXXXXX

Thundercracker stood alone on a starlight beach, staring deep into the sky. A warm, delicate breeze brushed the sand, wafting the scent of fresh flowers, pine, and salty water into the blue Seeker's olfactory sensors. The spring night was so beautiful, so clear. There was not a cloud in the inky sky, every star burned brightly above, shimmering in his hope filled red optics. There was not a more perfect night in the entire world on this little blue jewel of a planet. They would love it. How could they not?

The scream of jet engines shattered his thoughts and he caught the streaking figures of two Cybertronian tetra- jets cutting gracefully through the sky.

Thundercracker's lip components broke into a loving smile.

Lightning Dust was the first to land, transforming only a few meters above the ground before cutting her thrusters and slamming into the ground, kicking up massive waves of sand. The sand settled around the two mates, who stood far apart and stared with disbelief at one another.

"Lightning Dust?"

Thundercracker's voice cut through the silent moment. At the sound, Lightning's optics brightened. They took tentative steps to one another, their sparks singing with joy and desire. Deep yearning, a hunger for closeness filled the atmosphere. Servos reached out, determined to verify that what they were seeing was true.

"DAD!"

Stormchaser tackled her sire to the ground, her sleek body of pliant metal melting into a hug while nuzzling Thundercracker's cockpit.

Thundercracker felt his body tremble on the ground, then a sound that he had not honestly made in millennia burst unexpectedly from between his lip components.

Thundercracker laughed long and hard, throwing his arms around his daughter's smaller frame and clutching her tightly. Lightning Dust knelt beside her family, letting her fingertips brush Thundercracker's cheekplates before throwing herself over her mate and grown sparkling. Thundercracker embraced her as well, still roaring with laughter, the sound echoing in joyous harmony with the bell- like quality of the two voices of the most important people in his life.

XXXXXXXXX

"Why?"

Trance Blast lowered her energon cube and regarded Thundercracker for several moments. Only the faint sound of an old Cybertronian tune filled the smallest femme's quarters.

"Are you happy, Thundercracker?"

Thundercracker reset his optics in confusion.

"I am, but—"

"But nothing!" Trance Blast slammed down her cube, "you're happy!"

"So?"

She frowned, her thin neon green lips pursing together tightly as if his questioning tasted sour. With a great dramatic sigh, she stood, barely reaching Thundercracker's cockpit. She folded her arms and sulked over to the small window where a school of fish swam by.

"I don't like to see anyone sad, or angry, or lonely, okay?"

"What?"

"You heard me."

Thundercracker took a step to her.

"Well that's an interesting character trait for a Decepticon," the blue jet scoffed.

A small pod of whales passed lazily by. A small calf circled around a large rock formation, obviously playing, chirping and clicking away. As the family passed it, the mother swooped down as escorted the calf away from its game, and along with the greater group.

"Families shouldn't be separated," Trance Blast whispered, barely audible to Thundercracker's audios as she traced the outline of the retreating calf with her thin fingers on the glass.

"You lost someone, too?"

Trance Blast rounded on the large mech.

"You 'Cons don't get it, do you?" she snapped, stomping over to the Seeker and poking him hard in the cockpit, "all of us femmes have a sob story! No thanks to that fudge faggot fragger you call a leader!"

Thundercracker stared down at her in shocked silence at her unexpected outburst.

"The least I can do to help is to make sure that all my friends are happy right _now_! Today! This very instant! It's the only thing that keeps us sane! The only thing that makes us all want to live to see another day! You don't know what it's like to be hunted! To be outcasts! Pariahs and targets, the whole lot of us! So take your pity and your concern, and _shove it up your rear exhaust with a balloon stick_!"

Trance Blast fell onto the small berth with a heavy thud, her arms and legs twisted so tightly that it seemed she'd never unravel them. Her visor glowered at the wall with furious intensity, not bothering to look at the other Cybertronian in the room.

Thundercracker knew from experience that this meant he should leave. He turned and headed out the door, pausing just inside the doorway.

"Thank you," he said quietly to the femme's back, before turning down the hall and letting the door seal the navy femme into darkness.

In another hallway at the precise moment Thundercracker left Trance Blast alone in her quarters, Astrotrain and Blitzwing were walking back from the Control Room.

"So," Blitzwing nudged his fellow triple- changer, "score with any of the femmes yet?"

"Nah," Astrotrain growled, "the only one that seems interested is that silver one."

"Dirt Devil?"

"Yeah, her."

"Eh, she's interested in every mech!" Blitzwing laughed. "I heard tell that she's even twisted wires with Ramjet!"

"That's desperation if I've ever heard of it."

Blitzwing laughed heartily as they turned down a second hall.

"So, if you don't want her,"Blitzwing pried, "you must want another one? One that isn't putting herself out there?"

Astrotrain grinned slyly.

"Oh! There is! Who's got your optic, choo choo face?"

Astrotrain stopped and glowered at the other mech's slag- eating grin. Noticing the menacing air, Blitzwing's smile faltered.

"Hey! Lighten up!"

Astrotrain huffed and continued walking down the hall and away from his fellow triple- changer, deciding that a fight wasn't worth it. He was hungry anyway. Why waste the little energy he had when he could walk faster to dinner?

"You're lucky I'm hungry. Or else I'd rip your face off!"

Blitzwing gulped, then cautiously trotted behind Astrotrain.

"Darkstar."

"Huh?" Blitzwing looked lost.

"The one I want!" Astrotrain huffed, exasperated.

"Oh!" Blitzwing's face lit up with comprehension, "Wait what?"

His expression fell to a blank stare.

"She's big, curvy, strong, and I heard she cussed out Megatron and lived."

"I didn't think you liked bottom."

Astrotrain froze.

"I don't, moron! I like big, strong femmes screaming my designation like it's the only thing worth living for!"

"Right. Sure. Keep telling yourself that."

Astrotrain growled. Maybe a fight would be worth it, after all.

"Hey look!" Blitzwing exclaimed, "those Constructicons finally opened up this hallway again!"

Sure enough, the hallway to their right was open, fresh weld marks gleaming.

"Took them long enough to fix it," Astrotrain sulked, "I was getting sick of taking the long way 'round."

They sauntered into the hallway, glad that their lives had been made exponentially simpler.

"So, why was this closed again?" Blitzwing asked.

Astrotrain shrugged. He didn't know, and he didn't care.

"What do you think the other femmes are like?" Blitzwing changed the subject yet again.

"Why are you so infatuated with those femmes?"

"Why am I what?" Blitzwing cocked his helm.

Astrotrain sighed. Of all the triple- changers in the universe, why did he have to be stuck with Blitzwing? Octane would be so much better.

Wait.

Blitzwing's fine, he's just dumb.

"Obsessed! Bolts for brains!"

"Oh!"

Really, really dumb.

"I dunno," Blitzwing shrugged, "femmes are majestic creatures, I guess. And mysterious. And sensual. And-!"

"Wait! You know what sensual means?"

Blitzwing didn't have time to look affronted, because in that instant the hallway came to life.


	12. Chapter 12

Starscream flopped lazily into his armchair, waving an airy servo at Soundwave.

"Make yourself comfortable, Soundwave. We're going to be here a while."

The Communications Officer awkwardly took a seat on the far less comfortable chair across from the smirking Air Commander; deliberately folding his arms across his chassis to be certain the Seeker would understand that he didn't want to be here.

"Cozy?" Starscream asked with a mocking grin, lifting a flute of clear pure- grade energon from the glass coffee table between them. As he poured a generous amount into a crystal vial, Starscream began to speak.

"Rare Talusian Vintage Pure- Grade. I acquired this particular flute some centuries before Talus was razed from Senator Proteus himself," Starscream snorted, "arrogant glitch that he was, he sure knew how to treat his guests well."

"Correction: _noble_ guests," Soundwave growled, straightening to an indignant, rigid pose.

"Well, naturally," Starscream laughed, "like he would have treated his other 'guests' with even the barest hint of favor."

"Query: Starscream, admires Ex- Senator Proteus?" Soundwave ground out, trying to keep himself in check.

Starscream looked surprised.

"Well, of course! Now don't misunderstand me!" Starscream raised a hand before Soundwave could retort, "he was a corrupt, manipulative son of a retro-rat who deserved everything he got! But think about all the power he and his city gained and held during his reign as Sovereign of Talus. He was brilliant!"

Soundwave had nothing to say to Starscream's praise. The Air Commander had no idea of the damage to Cybertron that one mech alone had caused. Nor would this Seeker ever understand. Nobles, Decepticon or not, never found fault with the old Senators. Ever.

"Soundwave: has no time to listen to boats of Starscream's former social status." Soundwave finally replied.

Starscream's grin faltered slightly, then became even broader and even more false.

"Boasts? No, dear Soundwave," Soundwave glowered even more, "I was trying to have a genuine, casual conversation."

Soundwave snorted internally, while his outward body language remained stiff and professional.

"Well, if you're so intent on being formal, then I should then offer you some in the Traditional Vosian custom," Starscream lifted another vial with a series of dramatic flourishes and wing movements.

"No, thank you." Soundwave was not impressed.

"As you wish."

Starscream replaced the vial back on the table and leaned back into the sumptuous cushions, appraising Soundwave momentarily before speaking.

"Let's get down to business, shall we. I know you made the Kale Smoothie blast out of the fire extinguishers and over our glorious leader. Why? You of all mechs should have let him prank me."

"Soundwave: getting revenge on Megatron."

Starscream's optics widened in surprise.

"Revenge? For what?"

"Bomb- chair incident."

Starscream sat in silence, staring dumbfounded at Soundwave.

The tri- colored Seeker threw back is helm and laughed. He laughed so hard that his screechy voice turned to static and his frame was a trembling wreck.

Five minutes passed before Starscream regained his composure, wiping coolant tears out of his optics. He leaned forward, a humorous smile still pulling at the corners of his lip components.

"Well, since you are vying for revenge, perhaps I can help you."

"Negative: Soundwave's objective, completed. Soundwave: loyal to Megatron. Starscream: known traitor. Association: probable act of betrayal against Megatron."

Starscream frowned and stiffly shifted back into his armchair.

"And what if I said that what I have in mind is not meant to overthrow Megatron?"

"Starscream: known liar."

The Seeker huffed, clearly irritated.

"And nothing that I say or do can change your mind."

"Soundwave: adamant."

At this statement, Starscream grinned like a Sharkticon that had cornered its prey.

"Even if I told Megatron who it was that caused his latest prank to backfire on him?"

Soundwave became even more rigid.

Starscream chuckled malevolently, watching the navy tapedeck squirm.

"Well, Soundwave?"

A beeping from Starscream's console interrupted Soundwave's squirming. Growling, Starscream pressed a button on the underside of the coffee table, filling the blank wall with an image of a very upset Shockwave being swarmed by tiny balls of squeaking fur.

"Starscream! How dare you!" Shockwave near- bellowed as several balls of fur bounced off the top of his helm.

"Whatever do you mean, Shockwave?" Starscream asked.

A knock on the door came at the same moment that Soundwave's internal comm pinged a notification.

Starscream opened the door as Soundwave opened the message.

"Boss! We gotta kill Shockwave!" Frenzy's voice screamed.

"Query: why?"

"He sent you a box that keeps on pouring out Slinkys! All of us are caught in these things! And they're still comin'!"

Soundwave leapt to his pedes as Starscream took the box from Thundercracker.

"What did you send me Soundwave?" Starscream examined the box suspiciously as Shockwave continued to curse and futilely beat back the swarm of fur balls. One bounced up against the camera, its vacant eyes staring at the two mechs on the other end of the connection.

"I love you!" it opened its beak and emitted a creepy, joyous squeak.

Starscream screamed and jumped into Soundwave's arms, dropping the box which promptly exploded.

A swarm of brightly colored balls spilled out into the room, covering the floor, and continued spilling more and more into the room in an endless avalance. Starscream yelped and knocked Soundwave off- balance. Both officers tumbled down and landed on the balls.

Chaos.

The bright balls erupted into flames and confetti, terrifying the two already- spooked mechs, who tried desperately to get up, but ended up popping more of the tiny tings as they struggled to get to their pedes.

"I will kill you, Soundwave!" Starscream bellowed as a wave of poppers knocked him over, causing a huge pile to erupt underneath him.

"If we survive," Soundwave thought morbidly as a second wave buried him.

Soon the room was filled to capacity, burying the mechs inside.

"AHHHHHH!"

In a fit of pure rage, Starscream fired his null- rays wildly.

The door was blasted out of its housing and both Starscream and Soundwave stumbled out, covered in soot, ash, and still burning confetti. They looked at each other.

Starscream began to choke Soundwave, shaking the slightly taller mech in his rage.

"You could have killed us!" The Air Commander roared.

"Soundwave: innocent!" Soundwave gasped out.

"Complete slag! You sent that dumb box!"

"Label: false!"

"LIAR!"

The Seeker squeezed even harder.

"GAH!" Soundwave gasped as his main fuel lines were crushed and constricted, "Soundwave! GURK! Has! GASP! Theory!"

"This is what I say to your theory!" Starscream shook Soundwave harder, intent on popping Soundwave helm clean off.

It took several hours for Soundwave to calm Starscream down enough to allow Soundwave a reprieve from the murderous intent of the Second-in- Command. Which than gave enough time for Soundwave to explain his theory. When he finished, Starscream's optics burned bright between his narrowed shutters. He turned his back on Soundwave and hissed.

"That devious bastard!"

XXXXXX

"Can't we help them?"

"No."

The Deceptifemmes stood atop a rocky outcrop above the battlefield. Megatron had ordered an attack on the secret rocket base the Americans had built in the western desert for the Autobot's solar station before it could be launched. They had decided to tag along and shadow their battle, fulfilling their orders to shadow the Decepticons and relieving their boredom at the same time.

"But they're getting their afts handed to them!" Trance Blast whined.

"So what?" Darkstar snapped, "If they can't beat a few worthless Autobots. We don't need 'em!"

"S'your problem, Dee?" Backfire growled, laying on her front and leaning her helm dreamily in her hands, "They ain't so bad. Look how powerful an' strong they are!"

Megatron fired his fusion cannon at Optimus.

The other three femmes groaned.

"Just stop," Dirt Devil moaned. "It's totally creepy! Besides," she smirked, "we all know that Megatron thinks I'm the prettiest!"

"He does not!" Backfire instantly rose to take the bait.

"Does too."

"Does not!"

"Does too."

"Shut UP!"

Darkstar glowered down at the bickering morons, but Backfire decided she didn't want to back down just yet.

The green femme sneered.

"I didn't think you liked his type, Dirt Devil. I thought you like mechs like that one."

The truck pointed down at a stout red Autobot. The femmes looked confused at what Backfire meant.

"Ironhide," Trance Blast informed the group, "He has a known relationship with a femme called Chromia."

"Perfect for you, Dirt Devil," Backfire grinned.

The insult became clear, and Dirt Devil shrieked with anger.

"Don't you dare!" Darkstar snarled before Dirt Devil could launch herself at Backfire.

"Hey! The Autobots are retreating!" Trance Blast yelled.

Sure enough, the Autobots were turning tail and running. Surprised at the rare occurrence (though the Deceptifemmes didn't know that), the Decepticons whooped and hollered cries of victory.

"Decepticons!" Megatron called over the din, "Destroy the base!"

The Decepticon leader fired his massive fusion cannon and the nearest rocket went up in a spectacular explosion.

"Michael Bay would be proud," Trance Blast nodded sagely.

Dirt Devil backhanded Trance Blast.

"Dirt Devil!" Darkstar snapped.

Dirt Devil turned up her olfactory sensors with a disdainful huff, resolutely crossing her arms and turning her back on the others.

Darkstar sighed. Of all the femmes in the brigade, why did she have to be saddled with these three?

A very charred looking Soundwave fired at the retreating Autobots, and the resulting blast tore at the shoulder of a green Autobot mech who was at the back of the retreating group. The Autobot let out a scream, then fell to the ground.

Soundwave grabbed Hound by the shoulder joints, and slapped stasis cuffs on the struggling Autobot.

"Autobot," Soundwave intoned, "you are my prisoner."

The base was now a burning wreck. Debris collapsed into charred mounds as tongues of flame ate away at the structures. Gas explosions rocked the ground at random intervals, causing the rampaging Decepticons to yell with elation with every loud boom.

Victory was at hand.

Darkstar straightened form her crouched position, and turned away from the crumbling wreckage. Her subordinates did the same.

"Femmes, Transform," Darkstar commanded, changing into her Shuttle- mode before the others followed suit "Since we're out and about, we should find ourselves some new alt- modes."

The silver Cybertronian sports car sniffed.

"But Earth- based modes are so _ugly_!" Dirt Devil whined.

"Anythin' would be an improvement for you," Backfire growled under her breath.

"I'd ram you, but unlike you, Backfire, I care about my appearance. That's why mechs like me more!"

"No, they like you because you're a-!"

"Darkstar! A little birdie just told me something important!"

"Y'all keep using that phrase. I dun think it means what ya think it means."

"I know what it means, Texan- breath!"

"Say what?"

"She's making fun of your accent, you hick!"

"STFU, WUH- hore!"

"Get slagged, Trance Blast."

"Eat a-!"

"Be quiet! All of you!" Darkstar roared, unable to take their bickering any longer.

"Whatever."

The Decepticons flew off with their prize as the Deceptifemmes sped off into the sinking sun.

XXXXXX

A loud knock rang out in the empty corridors.

"My Lord?"

Darkstar knocked again.

No response issued form the depth of Megatron's quarters.

Sighing, the dark shuttle rapped on the door a third time.

"Sir, I have just received some very important news. I thought you'd like to-."

The door swooshed open, revealing Megatron standing in the doorway, dripping with cleansing solvent. Darkstar stood agape as she let her optics rove over Megatron's exposed inner armor. Sinewy wires connected to rippling pliant sheets of shining plating, glistening in the light. Each form delicately chiseled and fitted flawlessly to his protoform. Her optics drifted down, roving appreciatively over his abdominal plating. Her gaze was drawn further down, and she almost purred as she registered the large bulge underneath the towel wrapped around his waist.

Darkstar mentally slapped herself.

This is the mech that Purged her friends! That caused the death of her loved ones! How dare she even think that he could be attractive!

"What do you want?"

Darkstar met his optics, quashing her mounting anger. She promptly saluted, keeping her body language professional and calm.

"Sir! I have come to report that the _Malevolence_ will arrive promptly in thirty-two cycles. Will you give the ship clearance to dock?"

Megatron rubbed his lower lip lazily with a thumb, gazing off into space as he considered the news.

The towel slipped slightly lower.

Darkstar resisted the urge to stare, the temptation almost overwhelming.

She mentally conjured up images of her comrades, thinking of what they would do if they saw her like this. Trance Blast would probably laugh and snap holograms. Backfire would try and kill her in her sleep. Dirt Devil would most likely give her not- so- subtle advice on 'fun' positions. The Queen would-.

Oh Primus.

Darkstar shivered.

The Queen would dip her in a smelter, then demote her burning, melting flesh.

Memories began to bubble to the front of her awareness.

Unconsciously, Darkstar began to shake, the color draining from her optics as images of her mate and sparklings played in her mind. Their cries echoed and reverberated in her mind. Her family. Her Spark. She was slapping their memories in the faceplates. How could she forget them? Leave them? What was wrong with her?

"Before I give clearance, I would like to speak to all of you. Gather your femmes and meet me in the Command Centre in fifteen breems," he commanded, then frowned at the sight of her, "Are you all right, Darkstar?"

His tone snapped her out of her painful memories, unleashing a torrent of repressed anger and hurt.

"I'm fine!" she bellowed before unceremoniously turning on her heel and stomping back down the hall, screaming, "And I've seen bigger!"

Megatron stood in his doorway for several moments, blinking after her. Nonplussed, he turned back into his quarters, shrugging off the incident and her odd comment.

Bigger what?

XXXXXX

Hello, Readers.

I'd like to start off by saying_** thank you again to all who have liked, favorited, and/ or reviewed my work. **_This story was not really supposed to be more than a one- shot, and I'm both stunned and overjoyed that you have been supportive of my bizarre ramblings thus far. However, I'd like to say that this will be my last author's note. I never really did like any of my previous notes, but I didn't really have a very coherent plot before now so I would make the notes more for myself to remain on track with characterization or other such details rather than for you, which is not fair at all. Author's notes are meant to clarify details, or give explanations for the readers, not the writer. I mentioned before that I will be making both a spin- off and a sequel, and that hasn't changed a bit. However, when I promised the sequel, I didn't have a plot created yet. I just knew that _A Pain_ would be the springboard into a more serious, dramatic, and interesting story. Now, I have a plot, and some details that I created in my author's notes do not necessarily apply anymore, or could be explained through narrative. So, as a result of creating the sequel's plot, I have decided to remove all of my previous notes, except for this one.

Furthermore, I'd like to take the time to say that we have finally passed the halfway point, and I would like to use your input to finish the story off. I'd like you to be as much a force in the completion of this story as I am. So, if you have any prank ideas, let me know! I've received a small amount thus far, and there are still about 12 or more pranks to go. Please, if you have an idea, I'd love to hear it!

Finally, I have received several questions about fan- art and stories based on my AU and OCs. When it comes to the fan- art, GO FOR IT! My only request is that you mention my story as inspiration, and send me a link so that I can see it! I'm over the moon that some of you like my story enough to_ draw_ it, and I want to see what my readers come up with! It's a huge honor to have fans deriving inspiration from my work, and I want to praise your hard work as much as you praise mine! As for writing stories based on my AU and characters, I haven't finished the series yet, and there are some details that are central to certain OCs, canon characters, and world- building that you are not privy to yet. I'm not saying that I do not want you to write stories based on my work, but I am saying that as of right now in the story you only know six (out of thirty) of my OCs, and not much about them other than the most basic of character traits. They are, as of now, not fully developed yet and your work would suffer from flat characters. The same can be said for the backstories of canon characters and for this universe as a whole. I do not want your work to suffer because of their current lack of development. This will change as the series as a whole progresses, and you will learn more about this AU as time goes on. So, when it comes to stories, my suggestion would be to wait. If you want to write one now, I'd say stick to the canon characters as much as possible, you know them better than my OCs. Also, if you do write a story, please let me know so that I can see your hard work, for the same reasons as fan- art. I want to see your creativity, and show my appreciation back to you.

Thank you all again. It means so much that this story has taken off like it has, and I am truly grateful. And to show my appreciation, I have decided to post deadlines for each of my stories so that you know when the next chapter will be up. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns with either my story or what I have written here in the Author's Note, please let me know by either PM or by review. I will be there for you as you have been here for me.

Happy Reading!

TalyaJB


	13. Chapter 13

Skywarp strutted at the head of his new posse. This felt good. Kind of like he ran the base. Like he ruled this whole planet, in fact! The universe itself was his oyster, and he was ready to pluck out every single pearl that it had to offer.

"That was poetic, Sky!" he inwardly congratulated himself, "Seriously, you are the greatest Seeker of all time! Screw 'Screamer!"

The teleporter led his group down the newly- repaired hall with a confident swagger, the Coneheads and Combaticons flanking the strutting mech.

"All I need now are some explosions behind me," Skywarp grinned, "then I'd look _really_ badass!"

"FRAGGERS!"

The group froze, looking wildly around for the source of the insult.

"Who said that?" Skywarp hollered, "Show yourself!"

Onslaught tapped on the teleporter's shoulder, then pointed to the ceiling. Skywarp followed the pointing digit, and gaped.

Astrotrain and Blitzwing were welded to the ceiling, their bodies chopped into tiny fragments decorating the interior of the hall like a morbid fresco.

"Uh...," Dirge let out a confused grunt.

"Give me a hand! Or a foot! Or what about a pelvis?!" Blitzwing howled.

"How?" Skywarp asked.

"How?!"Astrotrain howled, "What do you mean 'how'?! Not all of us speak idiot, you Starscream recolor!"

"He means," Onslaught clarified, "how did you manage to end up in this predicament in the first place?"

"Quit speaking fancy, you overgrown trash heap, and speak Cybertronian!" was Astrotrain's eloquent reply.

"How'd you get up there?" Ramjet asked.

"Oh, I don't know!" Astrotrain bellowed, "One moment I'm walking down the hall with Tweedledee over here, and the next, I'M BEING SAWED TO PIECES BY HIDDEN MECHANICAL ARMS!"

"The datapad!" Blitzwing exclaimed over Astrotrain's endless bellowed obscenities, "On the ground! For you, Skywarp!"

Sure enough, a datapad was lying beneath the two dismantled triple- changers. Thrust casually strode forward and bent down to pick up the datapad. After retrieving the thing, he returned to Skywarp and thrust it into the waiting teleporter's hands.

On the screen were the paused faces of Rumble and Frenzy, both grinning madly. Skywarp involuntarily gripped the datapad harder. He tapped the screen, and the recorded message began to play.

"Hey, Sky- warped- in – the- motherboard!" Frenzy snickered, "Just wanted to let you know that our little game's escalated now!"

'Sky- warped- in – the – motherboard'? Was that the best those two thumbtacks could come up with?

"Yeah!" Rumble grinned wider, "your little hot sauce prank was good, but it's got nothing on what we have in store for you!"

Oh, really?

"Oh, and if you think you can get the Constructicons to repair you, think again!" Rumble continued.

"Yeah, because they're on our side now!" Frenzy took over, getting obnoxiously close to the screen, "Hope you don't go to_ pieces_ about it!"

The cassettes laughed mockingly for several moments before the message ended, freezing them in mocking jeers on the screen

"That's the best you can do?" Skywarp hissed, infuriated, "A stupid PUN?!"

"If what they have said is true, however," Onslaught advised, "We are at a great tactical disadvantage. Perhaps we should call a truce."

"No way!" Skywarp shot him down, "I'm not giving up just because they have Devastator!"

"And Menasor," Onslaught reminded the Seeker.

"Hmm," Skywarp considered his options.

"GET US DOWN FROM HERE!" Astrotrain's head screamed down at the motley group of pondering pranksters.

"Or what?" Swindle asked, stepping past Skywarp and gesturing around at the carnage, "You're hardly in a positon to threaten us, given your current condition. So, we just want to know what's in it for us."

"I'LL LET YOU ALL LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER CYCLE!"

"Hold on a nano!" Skywarp stepped forward again, "We're not the ones who did this to you! Blame the Constructicons and those two mini- meatballs!"

"Are you saying that we were pranked by the CONSTRUCTICONS?!" Astrotrain roared in disbelief.

"Yeah," Skywarp nodded, "that's exactly what I'm saying."

"Total slag!"

"You heard the message," Skywarp replied calmly, "we're not your enemies. We'll get you down."

"Huh?" Skywarp's posse turned to their leader in disbelief.

Skywarp grinned.

"But only if you swear to join my group here, and get revenge against our shared enemies!"

Astrotrain thought carefully for several minutes.

"Fine!" Blitzwing blurted, "Now please get us down!"

"Sure thing!" Skywarp grinned, motioning to his subordinates, who moved forward and began to remove Blitzwing and Astrotrain from the walls and ceiling.

"Skywarp," Onslaught advised again, "even with their help we are still at a disadvantage."

"Don't worry, Onslaught my compadre," Skywarp's grin took on a far more malevolent hue, "I have a plan."

XXXXXX

"You want help from us?"

The dark room was lit by only a single swinging lamp, eerily revealing Skywarp's silhouette as he smirked across the table, his red optics aglow with delight.

"Oh yeah," he nodded, "and if you do decide to help me, there could be an extra ration or two in it for you."

The mechs across the table straightened with interest. They looked at one another, silently debating amongst themselves, but Skywarp wasn't worried. The promise of a good meal was all they needed to be persuaded.

"What do you have in mind, mind?" asked Kickback.

"Pranks," he admitted.

"No deal," Bombshell shook his helm.

Skywarp grinned at the Insecticons, pulling out a large cube of high grade for each of them. Instantly, they perked up.

"Would this change your minds?"

The deal was already made before they could even reply.

Rumble and Frenzy wouldn't know what hit them.

XXXXXX

"BUT THEY'RE FAMILY!"

Trace Blast bawled as she was forcibly dragged down the hall by her pedes. Darkstar snarled as she pulled her smaller subordinate along, leaving behind a river of coolant tears as they passed.

"I don't care what they are! You blatantly disobeyed my direct order! I told you to obey our Queen's directive and not bring any more femmes to Earth, but you didn't listen did you? So, suck it up and take your hurt feelings like a real femme!"

"But- but!" the tiny femme whimpered.

"Shut up Trance Blast!" her three companions shouted her down in unison.

The door to the meeting room opened, and they stepped inside, dragging a wailing Trance Blast behind them. Megatron was waiting for them at the head of the table, his optics staring down at Trance Blast with distinct irritation.

"It took you four long enough!" he snapped, "sit down and shut up!"

The last command was directed at Trance, who responded by letting out a piercing cry. The other occupants covered their audio receptors as waterfalls of coolant spilled copiously out of Trance Blast's optics.

"What the frag is your malfunction?" Megatron bellowed over the small femme's unexpectedly loud vocal components.

Trance Blast stopped her crying, leaping up onto the table.

"What's my malfunction?" she snarled, the room growing ominously dim as she glowered down at him, "What's my _malfunction_? I'll tell you what my malfunction is! My mother's -sister's -mother's- husband's- youngest son's- son's- cousin was kidnapped and killed by fire- breathing, bounty hunter gorillas!"

Megatron facepalmed as Darkstar groaned.

"Forget I asked," the Decepticon leader growled.

"Okay!" Trance Blast beamed as she hopped enthusiastically back into her seat.

Megatron sighed for what felt like the millionth time that day.

"Darkstar," at the sound of his voice, the black shuttle perked up, "are your subordinates aware of the recent developments?"

"Yes, sir," she dutifully nodded, "I briefed them after we spoke."

"Excellent," Megatron straightened, steepling his digits and gazing at the small group, "then I would like some information."

"Pertaining to?"

"Your crew."

"All information regarding the _Malevolence_ crew is strictly classified," Dirt Devil droned as if she was reading off a datapad.

Megatron narrowed his optics.

"False!" Backfire countered, "information may be declassified with permission from an individual with Alpha clearance or higher."

"So?"

"Darkstar and Trance Blast both have Alpha clearance you camshaft!"

"Sorry to burst your gas tank, Backfire," Darkstar cut off Dirt Devil's retort, "but you need Alpha- êta or higher to declassify information regarding the crew. I only have Alpha- lambda clearance."

"But you're the second- in- command!"

Darkstar shrugged.

"I still don't have the authority to divulge personal information without permission. The only ones who can do that are the Queen, Offline, and Trance Blast. Even then there's a lot of grey area regarding rules and protocol."

Deciding that he's heard enough, Megatron turned his gaze solely on Trance Blast.

"It appears, Trance Blast, that you are the one I should be asking."

"Depends. What do you want to know?" the small boxy femme asked, rocking in her chair with her pedes propped on the table.

"Numbers, names, ranks, and other pertinent information."

"Oh," Trance Blast nodded, "The basics. I get it. Don't know why you're worried though, you'll be meeting all my peeps soon enough."

"Tell me!"

Trance Blast lifted her hands in a gesture of submission.

"Fine, sheesh," she rolled her visor, "you can ask Dee and those two tread-munchers for all that jazz."

Megatron gave a frustrated snarl and glared at Darkstar, who winced under his piercing stare.

"Well?" he ground through gritted dentae.

"Uh," Darkstar uncharacteristically faltered, before rallying and crisply nodding, "Right. Where would you like me to start, sir?"

Megatron tapped the table in response.

She cleared her throat.

"Right. There are approximately 40 of us. Deep Dynamite, Fireflare, Hydroplane, Tidal Wave, Blaze, Whitestorm, Blizzardwind, Rear End, Silverburst, Flamewar, Ferra, Iron Spark, Steelblade, Smelter, Alloy, Crush, Quickstike, Stormchaser, Whirlwind, Mach Flight, Sonic Speed, Thunderblast, Knox, Phlox, Switchblade, Razor, Gearwing, Rave, Jubilee, Infra Red, Offline, Lightning Dust, and the Queen. You already know us four."

"And out of those, who are the ones I will be working alongside?"

"Infra Red is our Head of Weapons, Science, and Technology," Backfire took over for Darkstar, "Flamewar is our Commander of both Land and Naval Forces. Offline is our Chief Medical Officer. Lightning Dust is our Head Tactician and Air Commander. Trance Blast is both our Head of Security and Intelligence."

Megatron glanced disbelievingly at the small femme who was now spinning in circles at her seat.

"Just go with it," Darkstar advised.

"All of them act as advisors to our Queen," Dirt Devil spoke up, "Including our favorite Second over here."

Darkstar smiled warmly.

"Speaking of your Queen," Megatron prompted.

"Queen Diaspora. What else do you want to know?" Dirt Devil snorted.

"Diaspora," Megatron rolled the name around his glossa. It felt wrong somehow.

"Yup," Backfire nodded, "that's her. Best ruler of all history!"

"What has she done to merit such praise from you?" he asked.

"What hasn't she done?" Dirt Devil retorted.

Megatron growled, not liking the implications of that statement.

Suddenly, Darkstar realized something was very wrong.

"It's too quiet," she mumbled, looking for the source of her unease.

Trance Blast had disappeared.

Darkstar growled. Again?

"Why me?" she hissed, opening her internal comm- link.

"Hello?" issued Trance Blast's cheery voice.

"Get back here!" Darkstar snarled through her internal comm.

"I can't I'm buying clothes."

"Okay. First, we don't wear clothes. Second, get back here!"

"I'm buying clothes."

Darkstar sighed inwardly. Primus fraggit.

"Just get back here now."

"I would, but I can't find them."

"What do you mean you can't find them?"

"I can't find them, there's only soup."

"What do you mean there's 'only soup'?"

"It means there's only soup!"

"Then get out of the soup aisle!"

"Okay! You don't have to yell at me!"

Blessed silence fizzled over the link for a moment.

"There's still more soup!"

"What do you mean there's 'more soup'?"

"It means there's more soup!"

"Where are you?"

"I'm at soup!"

"What do you mean you're 'at soup'?"

"I'm at soup!"

"What store are you in?!"

"I'm at the soup store!"

"WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!"

Megatron coughed.

With horror, Darkstar realized that her last phrase had been screamed aloud. Her face flushed bright purple.

"Darkstar!" Megatron snarled, "Explain yourself before I decide you're not worth the space on my base."

The black space shuttle paled.

"Well, uh. You see-," Darkstar began lamely.

"What I miss?" Trance Blast grinned.

"I hate you!" Darkstar snarled.

"I see," Megatron shook his helm.

"So, that glitch decided to go on a shopping spree without me, huh?" Dirt Devil snorted, "Loser."

Backfire opened her mouth to insult the silver sports car.

"What I don't get," Darkstar interrupted, "is how you slipped away in the first place."

Trance Blast shrugged.

"I dunno either. I blame the wierdo sitting in her dorm, typing away at her computer screen. Lonely bitch."

Meanwhile, in the Quadwal dimension, a young woman jerked upright, shocked at the words that appeared on her screen.

"Damn you, Trance Blast," she growled.

A random dishwasher fell from the sky and landed flat on Trance Blast.

"Touché, ma conceptrice! Touché!" said the neon green lips pinned under the dishwasher.

"Nobody ever knows what the frag you're talking about," Dirt Devil snorted.

"Well," Megatron massaged his temples, "this meeting just became pointless."

Trance Blast's fingers popped out from underneath the dishwasher and began to tug at the floor. The small femme stretched from underneath the machine like a piece of gum, until with a pop she emerged on her two sharp pedes.

"Gentlemen!" she boomed, "Prepare yourselves! For I bring you-!"

She opened the dishwasher with a dramatic shove.

"Churros!"

Sure enough, steaming, golden churros filled the inside of the dishwasher. Light shone from their delectable sugary forms, while from somewhere mariachi played. Trance Blast was wearing a sombrero and shaking maracas.

"GET OUT!"

Megatron fired his fusion cannon, and the femmes bolted out of the room, terrified. As they retreated, Darkstar screamed at Trance Blast: "And that's why we don't make racist jokes you dipstick!"

In the silence, Megatron slumped against his chair and shook his head. Defeated, he faceplamed.

"One of these days I'm going to go insane," he muttered into his servos.

"Galvatron," Trance Blast whispered into his audio, lowering herself from the top of the screen.

Without looking up, Megatron punched her in the faceplate, and the small femme tumbled onto the ground in a moaning heap. Megatron smiled.

"Much better."

XXXXXX

I just…

um…

…

…

…

WTF DID I JUST WRITE?!


	14. Chapter 14

The jeep sat, bleeding in the corner of his cell down in the depths of the _Victory_. He shivered, holding his ripped chassis with his servos, futilely trying to staunch the bleeding. He hissed as every pulse of his energon converter forced more energon out of his gushing wounds. Agony and pain was his existence in the dank, dark hole. Agony would be his termination.

"I want those defense codes, and I want them now!"

The phantom pain of the clamps on his chassis tore through his memory bank, while rough servos forcefully ripped his tires off his frame leaving only the bloody stubs of his axles.

"You'll get nothing from me, Decepticon!"

An electric shock burned his frame, fusing circuits and filling his olfactory sensors with the acrid scent of charring metal.

"The codes!"

Vortex screamed again, this time ripping the clamps away. As it came away, it tore off a huge chunk of Hound's armor that bled profusely even now in his solitude.

Blessed solitude.

For now they did not touch him.

He could die in silence, knowing that the base would remain safe.

His Autobot friends would still be alive to fight the Decepticons another day.

Footsteps.

Hound steeled himself for another round with the helicopter.

The hum of the energon bars died down as the figure entered.

Hound felt his spark seize with terror.

They had sent Soundwave.

The telepath appraised the shivering jeep below him.

Hound stared up into the blank visor, silently begging for this to end. To die now before the defense codes were involuntarily ripped from his processor.

Soundwave knelt down between the reactivated energon bars and Hound, boring his visor into the smaller mech with an intensity that made Hound's spark sputter.

"Hound: wishes escape?"

Hound froze. What did that mean? Of course he wanted to escape. Who wouldn't want to be removed from this Pit?

Not daring to speak, Hound nodded.

"Soundwave: has proposal."

"What?" Hound coughed his voice hoarse, "What do you mean by that?"

"Soundwave: has use for Hound's Sigma Ability."

His Sigma Ability?

"I- I don't follow."

"Hound: will be free. If: Hound uses Sigma Ability."

"I won't use my holograms to hurt my Autobot friends, you creep!"

Soundwave shook his helm.

"Target: not Autobot. Target: Megatron."

"Huh?"

Hound forgot his fear. He forgot his pain. He forgot that he was in immediate danger.

He was confused.

More confused than he had ever been in his life.

Soundwave, Megatron's most loyal Decepticon soldier, wanted to attack his Lord?

"I don't—why—huh?"

Hound's jaw went slack. Words could not make it out of his mouth. This was too much.

"Well, Soundwave? Are we doing this or what?"

Hound looked over Soundwave's shoulder to find Starscream outside his cell, impatiently tapping his pede.

"Autobot: has yet to give response."

"Well, hurry it up! We don't have all day!"

"What the Pit is going on?" Hound tried to yell as loud as he could.

"Shh!" Starscream hissed, "You don't want anyone else coming down here, do you?"

Hound shook his helm.

"Good!" the fussy Seeker huffed, crossing his arms and looking pointedly down the hall.

In the silence, Hound weighed his options.

"What do you want me to do?"

They told him.

Hound shook his helm.

Decepticons are weird.

XXXXXX

Kickback, Bombshell, and Shrapnel chuckled from the shadows of the rafters above the door to the energon storage chamber. The grinned and snickered to one another while an oversized piano swung slightly below them in the darkness.

The door opened, and Soundwave walked in with a datapad, moving to the stack of cubes. Checking the pad, he selected a single cube, and proceeded back to the entrance.

"Drop it! Drop it!" Kickback hissed to Shrapnel.

"We're supposed to drop it on Rumble, Rumble!" Shrapnel grunted, straining to keep the piano aloft.

"They're all the same anyway," Bombshell growled.

"You're right! Right!" Shrapnel let go of the rope.

Soundwave was too caught up in thought to notice the three Insceticons above him until the piano crashed straight onto his helm and knocked him out.

The Insceticons hopped down, admiring their handiwork before pulling out a stencil and a can of spray-paint.

XXXXXX

"What took you so long?" Starscream snapped looking up from his repair work on Hound as Soundwave reentered Hound's cell.

Soundwave clutched his helm in one servo as he held the cube out to Starscream.

"Soundwave: pranked by Insecticons."

Starscream laughed, almost burning Hound's faceplate with the blowtorch.

"Watch it!" Hound yelped as Starscream laughed harder.

"Pranked by the Insecticons! That's rich!" Starscream giggled.

"So, is everyone on the base in this 'prank war'?" Hound asked, still a little lost about the concept. He could never imagine Prowl letting anything like this occur on the _Ark_.

Starscream shrugged as he leaned back down to seal another wound.

"Not everyone. We technically aren't supposed to be doing it for _reasons_, but we've all snuck around enough to not be caught in the act."

"What reasons?"

"None of your business, Autobot."

"Oh, Megatron hates pranks. I see."

Starscream smirked.

"No, he just doesn't like to lose at pranks!"

Soundwave and Starscream chuckled.

"I think I'm missing something here," Hound decided.

"Just focus on your job and you'll be free. Nothing else matters."

"Uh, okay."

"Soundwave!" Starscream barked, "I need you to get a size 2 torch and 12 decimeter forceps and 2 cybermeters of 14 decimeter copper wiring!"

Soundwave nodded, and turned to leave.

The tapedeck froze as Hound let out a snort of laughter.

"Soundwave! What is that?" Starscream pointed at the navy mech's lower backstrut.

Soundwave craned his neck around to look at the object.

Bright red paint was spray-painted in obnoxiously flowery and curly lettering where his aft and backstrut met. It read: 'Skywarp was here' with a huge, puckered lip print just beneath it.

Soundwave's faceplate turned bright purple with rage and embarrassment.

"Nice tramp stamp, Soundwave!" Hound whooped with laughter, "Classy!"

"Skywarp," Starscream hissed with barely suppressed rage and horror.

Still with a burning faceplate, Soundwave turned and stomped away to get Starscream's supplies and a fresh can of paint. It was going take him a little longer than Starscream wanted, though. He had some business to attend to with his cassettes.

XXXXXX

"And our energon supplies are down 8 percent since last shipment," Shockwave continued, "I assume it's because energon shipments have dropped by 14 percent in the last quarter. Furthermore, the quantity of each shipment since last quarter has decreased by 6 percent."

Megatron felt his shutters droop. How many hours has it been now? Two? Three? The Decepticon Lord felt himself lean back in his chair. His helm began to sink on his neck cables.

"By my predictions," Soundwave pulled up a data- filled graph that filled the screen, "our energon supplies will redline in two mega- cycles if shipments continue to decline."

Was this important? Megatron couldn't remember. He felt himself slide further down in his chair.

"If this were to happen, my predictions indicate Autobot victory in 5 mega- cycles after we redline. "

This sure sounds important. Megatron reluctantly forced his shutters open to look at Shockwave's single, yellow optic over the vid-screen.

"Just set up new rations, or something," Megatron growled.

Shockwave sighed.

"As I've already explained, sir," the purple cyclops reminded his lord, "we can't set up new rations without causing a series of riots within Decepticon ranks here on Cybertron. Not only that, but the female Autobots will surely become even more of a nuisance than they already are."

"Then what do you suggest, Sound-?" Megatron shook his helm, "Shockwave?"

"I believe you have plans for a metal transmutation cannon?"

"Yes, how did you know?"

"You sent me a request for a shipment of materials to build it."

"I did?" Megatron massaged his temples.

"Yes, my lord."

"Oh."

"Are you alright, sir?" Shockwave asked, "You seem off."

Megatron slammed his fist onto the arm of his chair.

"I'm fine! Do not ever question me again!"

"Very well, sir," Shockwave returned his gaze back down to the report in his hand, "Now, in regards to your newest weapon, I suggest you put it on hold until-."

"What? I will not put the Metal Transmutation Cannon on hold!"

"But sir!"

"With it, the Autobots will be vanquished once and for all!"

"But we need-."

"Victory shall be ours!"

"What about our low supplies?"

"I put you in charge of Cybertron!" Megatron roared at the screen, "So, CONTACT ME ONLY WHEN YOU HAVE A _WORKABLE_ SOLUTION!"

Megatron terminated the connection.

He needed a drink.

XXXXXX

"Just so you know," Hound said to the flying scrapmetal, "this will be the weirdest thing I've used my holograms for, and I've used my holograms for a lot of stupid scrap."

"Pipe down will you!" Starscream snapped, balancing a ridiculous amount of boxes in his arms, "Are you done yet, Soundwave?" he hollered down the hole.

"Almost complete." Soundwave's voice wafted from the depths.

"Well, hurry it up!" Shockwave just sent the signal!"

A thud was heard at the bottom of the pit.

"Mission: Complete."

Soundwave flew up the hole, subspacing a large drill- like tool.

"Starscream: ready?" the tapedeck asked.

"Oh Soundwave," Starscream chuckled, "I was _built_ ready!"

He dumped the contents of the boxes down the hole.

XXXXXX

Megatron shuffled back to his quarters for a drink and a nap. Primus, why did everything seem to be happening now? The Autobot's Solar Station, the Metal Transmutation cannon, the weird things he knew were going on in his base; but could never catch the perpetrators, the prank he had set up for his Starscream, Soundwave, and Shockwave, the low supplies on Cybertron, and the femmes.

Dear Primus, the femmes.

He swore they would be the death of him. Not glorious final combat with Prime. It was going to be them who drove him to an early grave.

And there were over thirty more of them on the way!

Megatron gave an involuntary shudder.

Four were almost too much for him to take. Ten times that would end him!

If he didn't bring them to heel, that is.

Megatron growled, startling Thundercracker who leapt aside as his seething leader passed.

Megatron smirked.

He couldn't wait for those damned femmes to treat him with such fear and reverence.

But how could he bring them to heel?

The information they had divulged was little to no help in learning their weaknesses. He didn't know how they functioned as a unit, as individuals, or their ultimate purpose in coming here. There were too many unanswered questions. He had no way to plan his attack. No way to-.

Megatron froze.

Clever.

Very clever.

If there was one thing he knew now, it was that their leader was crafty.

She had obviously planned this delegation with one purpose in mind: secrecy.

These four obviously knew a great deal about the femme's organization, but they didn't work well together. So, it looked like she was respectfully sending a delegation of her top soldiers, however she purposely sent her best knowing that they would not act their best. By doing so, he, Megatron, could not accurately gauge how the femmes functioned. He could gather little-to-no information regarding their weaknesses. He couldn't find out anything, because these four constantly bickered!

He was going to keep an optic on Diaspora from now on.

She had almost tricked him.

Almost.

He just caught onto her game faster than she expected.

He chuckled.

Her weakness:

She underestimated him.

And that would be her undoing.

He couldn't keep a smirk off his face as he rounded the corner to his quarters.

SMACK!

The grin was forcefully smacked off his face as he ran into something hard. Megatron stepped back and looked down the hall.

Nothing.

Just an empty hall.

Perplexed, Megatron lifted his hand and examined the space before him.

His digits came into contact with a hard surface.

What?

"There's nothing here!" he snarled at the empty hallway.

Nothing happened.

Not like he really expected an empty hallway to answer.

He backed away, keeping his optics fixed on the empty hallway.

With a sniff, he turned away and kept walking straight.

He could find a different way back to his quarters.

He rounded the next corner, and hit something solid again.

"Ouch!" he yelped, holding his already dented olfactory sensor.

"What the frag is going on!" he bellowed at the second empty hallway.

He continued on, trying to get back to his quarters. But he was stopped again at the third turn.

And the fourth.

And the fifth.

By this time, Megatron was raging.

"I SWEAR WHOEVER HAS DONE THIS WILL FACE PAINFUL DEACTIVATION!" He bellowed.

He stomped down the center of the hall, furious at the defiant walls on either side of him.

Oh, he was just about ready to-!

"WAUGH!"

Megatron let out an unholy yelp as the floor disappeared from underneath him.

He slid down a long tunnel until he landed face first into a pile of indiscriminate things.

A loud clang was heard above him, blotting out the little light the hall above had offered.

Good thing he was equipped with ultra- sensitive night vision thanks to his time in the mines.

He switched it on, and instantly regretted his decision.

Furbies.

Furbies everywhere.

Staring at him with their listless, unblinking eyes.

Megatron took a fearful step back from the evil little swarm of monsters.

Something exploded behind him, unleashing a torrent of Slinkys down on him.

Megatron screamed.

Up in the Command Center, a high- pitched noise froze everyone present.

"What was that?" Thundercracker asked, turning to Skywarp.

"Hmm, two choices, TC," the purple teleporter deduced, "either one of the femmes burnt themselves, or somebody just got pranked _good_."

"Should I be mad at you?" his trinemate asked.

Skywarp shrugged.

Megatron scrabbled out of the way as another box of party poppers went off and dumped another box of Slinkys.

He dodged another pile of squeaking Furbies, trying to find a way out of this Pit!

"I'll _kill_ them for this!" he screamed as he was finally overrun by a veritable mountain of fur.

"We love you!" they squeaked.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

Hound never laughed so hard in his life.

Around the corner of the sixth, and only real, hallway, Starscream and Soundwave were rolling, clutching their sides at the femme- like squeals. Hound wiped coolant tears away as he turned off the holograms, revealing a straight hallway and a homemade manhole covering the hole Soundwave had made in the floor.

With tears still leaking, Hound decided now would be the best time to make his escape.

And that's exactly what he did, leaving Starscream and Soundwave to die of laughter on the floor.

XXXXXX

He had finally escaped.

By Primus, he was going to pay them back a thousand fold for this.

Megatron sat in his Command chair, giving off a murderous air. All kept their distance for fear of becoming a target of their leader's wrath.

Soundwave entered the room, passing by his leader with a respectful bow. Megatron waspishly waved him off and continued to think about his little predicament as Soundwave crossed the Command Center to the main console. Megatron's attention was diverted as he noticed something on Soundwave's lower backstrut. A bright red lip print.

"Soundwave?"

His Communications Officer turned to face him.

"Soundwave: Classy as Fuck."

With that proclamation, Soundwave swept out of the room leaving Megatron staring after him with an open mouth.


	15. Chapter 15

"Skywarp, we need to talk."

Thundercracker stood in the open doorway of his trinemate's quarters.

Skywarp looked up from the datapad he was reading.

"Indeed we do, Thundercracker," he mused, stretching and sliding casually off his berth.

Thundercracker narrowed his optics.

"I already know what you're going to ask," The blue Seeker snorted, "my answer is no."

"Have it your way, then," Skywarp shrugged, striding over to Thundercracker in several steps.

"I actually wanted to say something about what you've been up to lately," Thundercracker admonished.

"Oh?" Skywarp prompted apathetically , walking out of his quarters.

Thundercracker followed.

"Yes," he continued as he trailed behind the teleporter, "this 'prank war' has gone far enough!"

"Really?" Skywarp sounded bored.

"Yes! Really!" Thundercracker snapped, annoyed at Skywarp's indifference, "People are getting hurt, Sky! Sure they're only minor injuries, but how long will it be before someone gets truly slagged?"

Skywarp rolled his eyes.

"Calm down, _carrier_," he sniffed, "nobody's gonna get hurt because no one wants to be _caught_!"

Thundercracker's frown darkened.

"First off, I'm a sire, not a carrier. Second, Astrotrain and Blitzwing were _chopped to pieces and welded to the walls_, and nobody caught the one behind it!"

"Because the 'Structies are too smart to be caught."

Thundercracker froze.

"You're not serious," he blanched, "the _Constructicons_ are in on this?"

"Believe it, TC," Skywarp continued on down the hall, "I'll bet the only one not in it is you."

Thundercracker got over his shock and trotted to catch up to Skywarp.

"But what about-?"

He was cut off as Starscream rounded the corner, giggling like mad.

"Hey, Screamer!" Skywarp's face brightened, waving to their trine leader.

The 'Screamer' in question froze momentarily as his gaze found his trinemates in the adjoining hall. However, rather than doing his customary bossing and sneering whenever he saw his trinemates, Starscream backtracked down the hall he had just emerged from and snickered.

They stared after him, dumbfounded.

"Um," Thundercracker began cautiously.

"The _slag's_ up with him?" Skywarp spewed out the question as if it physically hurt him to hold it back.

"If this has something to do with-," Thundercracker threatened, his faceplate darkening.

"I swear it doesn't!" Skywarp threw up his servos in a gesture of innocence.

"Sky," Thundercracker loomed over the teleporter.

"I gotta go!" he squeaked.

He tried to skirt around the angry blue jet, but was stopped by Thundercracker's fist as it collided with the wall inches from Skywarp's faceplate, leaving a huge, cracked dent in the metal hull.

"Oh no you don't!"

"Eep!"

Thundercracker bent over Skywarp, who shrank down into the wall.

"I'm not letting you out of my sight."

"I gotta go!" Skywarp gasped in earnest.

"Then I'm coming with you," came the deep, growling reply.

Skywarp felt his tanks do a backflip.

"You sure?" he asked tentatively.

Thundercracker grinned.

"Positive. Because I don't trust you."

XXXXXX

"Password?"

Rumble and Frenzy stood outside the door to a large storage closet, Soundwave close at hand. Part of the door had slid back, revealing only the red visor of a mech.

"What d' ya mean, 'password'?" Rumble snapped, "You know us!"

"Then why's_ he_ here?" came Drag Strip's voice form the other side of the door, verbally indicating the silent Communications Officer.

"He's with us!" Frenzy snapped, "Now let us in you overgrown pile of bolts!"

"Password."

Rumble snarled.

"Fine! I'd go gay for Megatron! Ya happy?!"

Drag Strip giggled.

"One more time," Drag Strip was clearly enjoying himself.

"I'd go gay for Megatron," Rumble snarled through gritted dentae, his face flushed and his fists clenched in humiliated fury.

Drag Strip burst out laughing. His visor disappeared, and there was the sound of something heavy hitting the floor.

XXXXXX

"The fish stick flies when the rotisserie chicken swims."

"Happy Hoosier Hipster Hop."

"What's new, Scooby Do?"

Thundercraker sat outside the door leading to the Combaticon's shared quarters, shaking his head as Skywarp spouted nonsense to the mech standing guard inside.

"I have no idea what the slag is going on," Thundercracker spoke to thin air, staring helplessly into space.

"Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats!"

Thundercracker turned around and hit his helm on the wall repeatedly.

XXXXXX

"I vote we change our password!" Rumble barked as he entered the storage room, Frenzy and Soundwave trailing in behind. Rumble took extra care to step on Drag Strip's face.

"I like it," Bonecrusher said, sitting at a table they had all stolen from the conference room.

"I just had the _horrifying_ mental image of you and Megatron holding hands, skipping through a field of flowers and rainbows, while singing 'Once Upon a Dream'," Motormaster growled.

The room grew awkwardly silent.

Hook stood up from the table and moved to the door.

"Hook!" Frenzy called after him, "Where are you going?"

"To burn my memory bank with acid," Hook looked ill as he left the room.

They were left in silence again.

"Medics get the good stuff, don't they?" Wildrider asked.

The room's occupants simultaneously nodded once, still staring silently off into space and avoiding each other's gaze.

XXXXXX

"Hey guys! Look who's here!" Skywarp called to the assembly sitting casually on the berths and watching human television.

They all turned to see Skywarp striding past Thrust with a haunted looking Thundercracker in tow.

"Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! Thundercat!" they all chanted as Skywarp wrapped his arm around his bemused trinemate.

"Mech," Skywarp grinned, "I can't wait for you to join! It'll be sweet! We already have your nickname picked out and everything!"

"Who's up for another round?" Onslaught yelled, holding up two large cubes of High- grade.

The room erupted into cheers.

"Delta! Delta! Delta!" the mechs started to chant as the cubes were passed around.

"Bring it over here!" Skywarp yelled, pointing down to Thundercracker.

"Why are you chanting delta?" Thundercracker finally spoke as a cube was thrust into his servos.

"That's who we are, newbie!" Blast Off called from across the room.

"Bad Ass Delta Fraternity!" They cheered, throwing their arms into the air and whooping.

"Bad Ass _what_?"

"It's our frat, bro. Our frat." Astrotrain clapped Thundercracker on the back, nearly causing Thundercracker's drink to spill, "and you're our newest pledge!"

"What's a frat?" Thundercracker asked.

Swindle pulled up on his datapad.

"A group of persons associated by or as if by ties of brotherhood. Also, any group or class of persons having common purposes, or interests," he read.

"And what's a pledge?"

"You!" they all cheered excitedly.

"Uh," Thundercracker began, but was cut off by Skywarp.

"Let us begin the initiation of Pledge Thundercracker!" he hollered over the din.

"Delta! Whoop!" they all cheered again.

Suddenly, Thundercracker was thrown onto the nearest berth, the room deadly silent. The Combaticons, Triple-Changers, Insecticons, Coneheads, and Skywarp all gathered around staring at the unfortunate mech.

"Uh," Thundercracker tried to speak again.

"Shh!" Skywarp covered Thundercracker's lip components with a single digit, "Listen young one, to get in here, you have to pass our rigorous initiation. Got that?"

Thundercracker reset his optics.

"What you gotta do, is get the Party Cannon. Sounds easy, right?"

Thundercracker nodded slowly.

"Get it. Bring it back here. Then you will have passed stage one."

"But what is-?"

"Shh!" Skywarp shushed him again, "You'll know it when you see it. Now go!"

Thundercracker ran out of the room, wondering what exactly he had gotten roped into.

XXXXXX

"Okie dokie," Frenzy steepled his fingers at the head of the table, "Now that we have all been scarred for life, let's start on some Old Business, shall we?"

The room broke into muttering affirmation.

"We'd like to officially congratulate Motormaster for single- handedly gathering our supplies for Operation: Ping Pong."

The table erupted into applause as Motormaster bowed to the group.

"Furthermore," Frenzy continued, "We would like to extend our thanks to Laserbeak for providing us with the intel for Operation: Hall of Doom."

Again, the room broke into applause as Laserbeak ejected from Soundwave's chest compartment, and began to strut around the table.

"Thank you for your services, Laserbeak!" Frenzy graciously congratulated his fellow cassette as the mechanical bird perched on Soundwave's shoulder.

"Now!" Rumble took over, "To our New Business! We'd like to present some information that Wildrider discovered about our enemy forces."

The atmosphere of the room sharpened palpably.

"It appears from our source that Operation: Hall of Doom was a complete failure!"

The occupants gasped and muttered tersely.

"Yes," Rumble shifted the tiny datapad in his hands, "According to Wildrider, the target, Skywarp, was not caught in the Hall. Rather, it was Astrotrain and Blitzwing."

The mood darkened.

"This, as you are all well aware, is a serious blow to our organization. We had been hoping to recruit the triple-changers, but thanks to the poor plans of the Hall of Doom, we can no longer count on recruiting them."

"Poor plans!" Scrapper sat up straight in his chair, "We Constructicons designed that hall perfectly!"

"But you failed to get the right mech!" Motormaster growled from across the table, "So it obviously wasn't perfect!"

"Typical!" Hook sighed.

"You have something to say, Hook?" Drag Strip sneered, "Then come out and say it!"

"Well, it's just so typical, and I'm certain my fellow gesalt agrees with me, that we are sent in to do all the dirty work! We make the blueprints, prep the site, get the materials, build whatever Pit-bound thing is needed, and then are left to pick up the pieces!"

"Yeah!" Scavenger agreed, "We always get the short end of the rust stick!"

"And we're getting sick of it! Get it? Get it?" Mixmaster grumbled.

"Yeah!" Bonecrusher piped up, "Without us, nothing would get done around here!"

"By the Pit, nothing would _work _around here!" Long Haul added.

"Hey!" Rumble snapped, "That isn't our problem here! You guys messed up _big_! Take the blame like mechs! You want more respect or some slag around the rest of the base? Then talk to Megatron!"

Scrapper suddenly stood.

"You know what?" he proclaimed, "That is an excellent idea! And I know just what will convince him!"

"Strike!" the Constructicons howled in unison.

"Constructicons!" Scrapper pointed to the door, "Let us march!"

They tramped out of the storage room one by one, cheering all the while.

"Wait!" Frenzy called after them, "You can't leave in the middle of a meeting!"

Scrapper turned back to them, elegantly framed by the doorway and bright lights from the outside hall.

"Destiny cannot wait!"

The door closed behind him.

"They're going to get their cans handed to them, aren't they?" Breakdown asked.

"Yup," Dead End replied.

XXXXXX

"So?" Skywarp turned to his brethren, "now that he's gone, let's talk business!"

"I wholeheartedly agree!" Onslaught concurred.

They moved back to the berths and chairs, flopping down in a large circle and making themselves comfortable.

"What's new, mechs?" Blitzwing called to the casual assembly.

"Dirt Devil and Backfire have both said they'd come to our next party!" Thrust hollered.

They all broke into cheers.

"Grade and glitches!"

"We found out where Rumble and Frenzy hold their meetings for the prank war!" Swindle called over the din.

The cheering grew louder.

"Wreck Rumble! Frag Frenzy!"

"We dropped a piano on Soundwave!" Bombshell screamed.

The cheering died at once.

All optics turned to the Insecticons, who were still cheering and clapping each other on the back.

"You're not serious?" Astrotrain gasped.

"We are, are," Shrapnel puffed out his chassis.

"You didn't let him know that you're with us, though," Ramjet asked, clearly nervous, "Right?"

"We spray-painted 'Skywarp was here' in bright red on his aft!" Kickback keeled over with laughter, and his fellow Insecticons followed suit.

"Oh, Primus," Skywarp's faceplate drained of all color.

The rest of the room stared in horror at the Insecticons rolling on the floor.

After some minutes, the Insecticons realized no one was laughing with them. Nonplussed, they looked around at the still- gaping group.

"What?" Bombshell asked.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE _DONE_?" Skywarp roared.

XXXXXX

"So," Motormaster began, cutting through the silence, "What's he doing here?"

His optics bore into Soundwave.

"Soundwave's come with a proposal," Rumble replied, trying to calm the glaring.

"What sort of proposal?" Wildrider asked, leaning forward.

"Soundwave: wishes to join prank war as ally," Soundwave intoned.

"It's a trap!" Breakdown squeaked, diving beneath the table.

Dead End shrugged, "We were bound to be caught, anyway."

"Intentions: genuine," Soundwave replied, "Soundwave: pranked by Skywarp and Insecticons."

The room grew even quieter.

"Really?" Motormaster sounded unconvinced.

Silently, Soundwave stood and presented his back to the table.

A bright red lip print was clearly visible just above his aft.

"That's it?" Dead End sounded even more bored than usual.

"Negative: covered most of it up with new layer of paint, and had piano dropped on helm."

"Why keep the lips?" Frenzy looked skeptical.

"Soundwave: likes it."

They all looked at each other with confused and disturbed expressions.

"Um," Rumble began awkwardly, "Right. So, you want to get back at them?"

"Affirmative."

"What's in it for us?"

"Alliance with myself and my associate."

"Associate?"

There came a firm knock on the door.

Everyone except Soundwave jumped up.

"I knew it!" Breakdown wailed, "We're all going to be in so much trouble!"

"Shh!" they hissed to the quaking ball beneath the table.

Drag Strip slunk to the door. With trembling fingers, he opened the peephole.

"Password?" he asked, adequately holding back the fear in his voice.

"I slagging don't know the password, just let me in!"

Starscream's voice blasted through the peephole.

Drag Strip froze. The others prepared to run.

"Well," the Second- in- Command snarled, "Are you going to open this door or what?"

"Uh," Drag Strip's voice failed him.

"Oh for Primus'sake. Soundwave! Open the door!"

The Stunticons at the table rounded on Soundwave.

"Traitor!" Motormaster hissed.

"Negative," Soundwave coolly replied, "Starscream: my associate."

"Your-?" Motormaster trailed off.

Drag Strip's faceplate broke into a massive, comical grin.

"You have to say the password!" Drag Strip could barely keep the glee out of his voice.

Starscream snarled.

"I don't have time for this!"

"Starscream: doesn't know password."

Drag Strip grabbed Soundwave by the arm.

"Then get out there and tell him!"

He threw Soundwave outside and slammed the door behind him.

Whispers could be heard.

"I AM _NOT_ SAYING THAT!" Starscream shrieked.

"No password, no entrance," Drag Strip reminded him.

More whispers.

Starscream muttered something incoherent under his breath.

"I'm sorry," Drag Strip beamed, "what was that?"

"I'D GO GAY FOR MEGATRON!"

Drag Strip fell onto his aft from laughter.

XXXXXX

Thundercracker shook his helm, staring at the datapad. He had decided to look into this whole 'fraternity' business, and had come to the conclusion that he wanted no part of it. He had a feeling that Megatron would lose it if he found out half of his elite forces had created and joined a fraternity behind his back. Personally, Thundercracker liked being in one piece.

Sighing, he turned back to the large monitor in front of him, and continued his work looking for Autobot anomalies. If the Autobots were away from their usual patrol routes, that usually meant they were protecting something. And that something usually was of great interest to the Decepticons.

But nothing was out of the ordinary.

Most of the Autobots were at the _Ark._ A group of five was out patrolling Eastern Canada. Three were in Europe. The Aerialbots were circling the Middle East.

Boring.

Thundercracker found himself singing under his breath as he searched different areas of the virtual map. It was a slow song, relaxing and soothing. It held a pulsing rhythm like the beat of the spark that made his cockpit swell with pride. He smiled as he sang quietly.

_The winds over the wings are cold_

_The gentle touch of the sky_

_While soaring high_

_The spark does fly_

_And make the frame grow bold._

_The sky over the city's wide_

_The towers lost in its heights_

_With voices strong_

_We sing along_

_To chant our praise and pride_

_Our love over your days of yore_

_With voices clear and pure_

_We valiantly fly_

_And joyously cry_

'_We are Vos forevermore'._

"Mech, stop singing that!"

Skywarp's voice startled Thundercracker out of his musings. He forcefully ex- vented to cover up his embarrassment.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"You should be focusing on your mission!" Skywarp reproved, "Not singing 150 verses about some bombed-out ol' wasteland!"

Thundercracker flinched.

"I'm doing my job," he groaned.

"Right," Skywarp snorted, crossing his arms over his cockpit.

At that moment, the doors opened and Megatron strode into the Command Centre. His optics scanned the room, surveying his territory before he stalked over to the main console at the far end of the room where Darkstar was working. She turned and bowed to him as he approached, and they both began conversing.

Skywarp nudged Thundercracker.

"What?" the blue jet growled.

Skywarp silently tilted his helm pointedly in the direction of Megatron and Darkstar still deep in conversation.

"No, Sky, they're not a thing."

Skywarp facepalmed.

"I didn't mean that!" Skywarp groaned, exhasperated at his trinemmate's thick-headedness, "I meant your mission! Initiation! You know!"

"About that," Thundercracker turned to face Skywarp, "the fraternity thing, it's just not for me. You do you, but I don't want to be a part of it."

"TC!" Skywarp whined.

"No, Skywarp. I've made my decision."

Skywarp leaned against the wall next to the screen and pouted.

Thundercracker continued to work in silence.

"I wonder if he even knows how to frag a femme?" Skywarp asked, staring over at Megatron and Darkstar.

"I'm sure everyone knows how to frag, Skywarp," Thundercracker sighed while he continued staring at the screen, trying not to think too hard about the topic in question.

"Yeah, everyone _can_!" Skywarp acknowledged, "But not everyone can do it _well_! Take you for instance. I bet if you'd meet a femme, you wouldn't know all the fun stuff that makes doing it fun!"

Thundercracker bristled.

"No offence, you silly virgin, you!" Skywarp teased.

"Skywarp. I'm not a virgin."

"What?" Skywarp looked skeptical, "No way."

Thundercracker looked dumbfounded up into his trinemmate's faceplates.

"I have a wife and a daughter. How can I possibly be a virgin?"

"You have a daughter?" Skywarp's optics were huge.

"Yes?" Thundercracker replied hesitantly.

"She hot?"

Thundercracker punched him in the faceplates.

XXXXXX

"What happened to you?"

Skywarp returned to the Combaticons'quarters, grinning with a large dent in his upper lip. He cradled Megatron's fusion cannon in his arms as he strutted to the center of the room.

"Thundercracker punched me in the face!" he grinned, "Then we started to fight in the Command Centre. And Megatron broke us apart. But somehow the cannon got broken. So I took it to Hook per Megatron's orders. But I can't find Hook. So_ I have the party cannon_!"

He held the massive weapon aloft, to the cheers of his brothers.

"Bretheren!" he called over the tumult, "Today, we _party_!"

"Delta! Delta! Delta!"

XXXXXX

"Starscream?" Rumble asked, leaning across the table, "How'd you come up with _that_? It's _depraved_."

Starscream grinned.

"My Youtube followers are very helpful! Particularly MatrixLeader1, Ironbot02, BLAST mastER, Jaz-z, Swipernoswiping and SunnyD. I got multiple requests from them to do this. Quite annoying really."

"I see."

The cassetticon grinned.

"I like it!"

XXXXXX

Megatron sat in the practice range, checking his beloved fusion cannon.

He polished the outside till it gleamed.

He checked the rim for heat damage, and was pleased to find only a small amount of soot, which he wiped away with gentle strokes.

He probed the inside with his fingers to check the-.

What the-?!

Something sticky coated the inside of his cannon!

Megatron's spark beat fast as he tore out of the range and to the large workstation beside the laboratories.

What was wrong with his beloved weapon?!

Tearing it open with all the care he could muster in his panicked state, Megatron took a sample of the stuff. It was sticky and brown and smelled like-.

No way.

Nobody would be that stupid.

Just to make sure, Megatron licked the sludge on his digit.

By Primus.

Somebody had used his fusion cannon to drink High- grade!

"Starscream!" he roared.


	16. Update from Darkstar

Hello Everyone,

This is Darkstar filling in for TalyaJB for the moment. She's a bit overwhelmed right now with schoolwork and post- graduation work. She's also been fretting about not updating in several weeks and leaving her good readers in the dark. So, I decided to step in and make this update for you all so that you are aware that she hasn't fallen off the face of your tiny planet. She'd better be grateful.

So without further ado, here are some things Talya felt you should all be aware of:

1. She is updating her profile with dates for each upcoming update and trivia about her series, if you want to check that out… don't worry, she's doing her best to keep it spoiler-free.

2. She had a few PMs about other fans wanting to draw scenes from APIN… She says GO FOR IT as long as you let others know where you got your inspiration from, and send her (and me) a link so she can see it!

3. Some PMs she received also asked about writing spin- offs of APIN. Please wait, the story is not yet complete, and she doesn't want your work to suffer from lack of development because she doesn't post fast enough. (She says she's busy, but I think she's just a lazy lump of flesh.)

4. If you have any prank ideas, please let her know ASAP! All of us in the _Pains _Alternate Universe are hoping to have APIN completed in mid-December, and we want to hear your input before we move on to the sequel!

Also, a shout-out to **Starfire201**, **EHSparkwoman**, and **Vigatus** for your reviews! Talya will send you all an individual PM ASAP!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR DEDICATION! YOU ARE ALL AMAZING!

Darkstar

* * *

><p>Dear TalyaJB,<p>

**I HATE YOU!**

I WANTED TO WRITE THE UPDATE YOU USELESS MEAT SACK! SO THE NEXT TIME YOU GET LONELY AND NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO, DON'T COME CRAWLING TO ME, EARTH GERM!

Best Regards (as you burn alive in a smelter),

Starscream

* * *

><p>Dear TalyaJB,<p>

Starscream is stupid. Keep ignoring him.

Megatron


End file.
